Home > Uncategorized > 2009 Year in Review: THE WORSTEST~!

2009 Year in Review: THE WORSTEST~!

Know what? It’s easy to take an inventory of products/people/what-have-you” and say “these are the best so and so’s of 2009 in this particular order.” What takes real work and gumption is to look at some terrible things that happened, present them in no particular order, and openly admit that worse things happened but you either forget them or you can’t get as much comedic material out of them, so why bother?

Or maybe it’s the other way around.

Either way, terrible things happened in 2009 and here’s some of them.

TAYLOR SWIFT’S TARTY CLUELESSNESS ENCOURAGED

If it'll make you feel better, you can pretend in this picture that Taylor had dropped her award and Kanye was picking it up for her.

I don’t need to set the stage, since everyone saw what happened at the MTV Video Music Awards. Myself, I was first shocked when Taylor Swift said the words “I sing country music.”

It really did give me pause. I’m not one to have my finger on the pulse of what twelve-year-old kids are listening to, but I know country music when I hear it. I’ve heard Taylor Swift’s music before, and I had no earthly idea it was attempting to be country in any way, shape, or form.

Then the utterly hilarious interruption came in the form of Kanye West, whose crazy ass simply could not comprehend the perceived injustice of Beyonce not winning for that video that was just her and two chicks in a black leotard doing a ridiculous dance for four minutes.

The fallout from it confirmed my worst fears: we are a nation of weak, idiotic, pandering fools. Rather than accept that Kanye West is a crazy mother f****er who does crazy stuff like that (and that’s why we love him), everybody wept with Taylor and labeled Kanye a malicious bully. As a nation, we should have come together to let Taylor Swift know that she was being a naive idiot, and that grown-ups don’t get upset and worked up over an award given for something that MTV doesn’t even show anymore and has always been a joke to everybody but a small handful of recipients who somehow, after twenty some-odd years, still don’t know any better.

America coddled Taylor like an infant and a braindead child. He was a “jerk” and a “meanie” and it was somehow okay for a woman above the age of 12 who wants to be taken seriously to use words like that and pout about someone interrupting her terribly important moon man acceptance speech. Meanwhile, Jay Leno used Kanye West’s DEAD MOTHER to guilt trip him about this whole silly affair and make him cry on live television. Still, it was somehow Kanye – who I cannot say enough is simply crazy and doesn’t know any better – who was the supreme bad guy in all this.

These days, Taylor is gracing the cover of celebrity magazines: the happy, daffy, unsuspecting beard of a pair of pharmeceutically enhanced pecs. Kanye’s reputation will recover. As for Leno…

JAY LENO GETS NEW TELEVISION SERIES
Hey kids! If you thought Leno wasn’t funny before, then boy howdy do we have a show at an earlier time slot for you. Rather than bow out of the late night game gracefully and pass the torch to Conan O’Brien like his predecessor Johnny Carson did for him, Leno shat all over tradition and the best interests of the network by agreeing to continue on with a one-hour talk show with a modified format at 10:00pm.

It was worse than the abomination of Leno’s “Tonight Show,” and to boot it killed Conan’s chances of maintaining the franchise’s stranglehold on the ratings. That Leno, he’s one class act, talking at you about how your dead mother would be ashamed of you and giving a middle finger to everyone that made him what he was.

THE REALIZATION THAT THIS IS TECHNICALLY THE END OF A DECADE, I GUESS
What do we call this decade? I mean, the 80s and the 90s were simple enough. But the last ten years? I have no earthly idea how to refer to them without it sounding awkward. The Aughts? The Zero Zeroes? The Oh Ohs? The Uh-Ohs? Yeah, there we go. The Uh-Ohs.

MTV’s “THE JERSEY SHORE”

Guys, come on, tell me you wouldn't hit that. Get it? Because...she got punched. Okay, that's not funny, and I apologize.

The Situation. The Girl That Got Punched in the Face. Tony, I bet one of them’s named Tony. Along with what seems like a cast of thousands (but is really only a handful). This, ladies and gentlemen, was “The Jersey Shore.”

MTV’s latest foray into the genre they “perfected” and unleashed on an unsuspecting public had one simple goal in mind: to make you say “oh my God, look at these d-bags.” Except MTV took it one further, openly labeling them as “guidos” during promos for the series. Controversy erupted when in the preview for the second episode, they showed footage of some chick named Dooty or something getting punched in the face by a (now former) High School gym teacher. Further controversy erupted when MTV decided not to air the footage of the punch itself, which made them look like total hypocrites and cowards. It’s a bit curious that more ire was directed towards MTV than the guy who sucker-punched a tiny woman, but I guess that’s the sort of thing people expect gym teachers to do.

If successful, MTV has a whole lineup of shows planned over the next year or two, including but not limited to “Look At These F****in’ W*ps: The Long Island Sound”, “Racist Drunk Micks: Boston”, and “Pollocks in Paris” (with the tagline “guess who got lost?”).

TRANSFORMERS: BIRTH OF A NATION
Noisy, masochistic, incomprehensible, and racist. But enough about Michael Bay, let’s talk about this movie and its “Step and Fetchit” comic relief characters, complete with racist caricature facial features and gold teeth. Or not, since I’ve already done that. My review of the film is here.

As terrible as this film was as both art and a blight on American culture, some good did come of it in the way of the funniest reviews I’ve ever read from critics and the revelation that Megan Fox is actually kind of funny and has half a brain after all.

THE TRAILER FOR THE FORTHCOMING ROMANTIC COMEDY “VALENTINE’S DAY”

Need I say more? Yes: if you’re a girl and your reaction to that trailer is “Awww, that looks cute”? That’s a deal breaker. Sorry.

The existence of this trailer also means bad news for 2010, as the release and subsequent popularity of the film will probably be one of the worst moments of NEXT year. Thankfully the DVDs roll out quicker than the VHS editions of films did back in the day, otherwise the reign of terror would be about three to four years.

JOSH BARNETT TESTS POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS; SINGLE-HANDEDLY KILLS A FIGHT PROMOTION
In Capitalist America, fighter afflict promotion!

"And they made me pee into a cup. A CUP, Fedor! Can you believe it?!"

“Affliction” was started up with big aspirations and big money. It spared no expense getting the biggest names in North America (and beyond) in the realm of Mixed Martial Arts, in particular their flagship fighter: Russian sambo specialist Fedor Emelianenko. In their first two events, the consensus #1 Heavyweight in the World made short work of former UFC Heavyweight Champions Tim Sylvia and Andrei Arlovski.

For their third event, Affliction snatched up Josh Barnett to take on their flagship fighter in the main event. It was a fight many fans had been clamoring for since the early 2000s. Unfortunately, there’s a reason Josh Barnett spent the better part of a decade fighting exclusively in Japan, and it’s not just for his love of J-Pop. He tested positive for steroids, was banned from competing, and as a result the event quickly fell apart and was cancelled.

Affliction’s fight promotion ended up folding soon thereafter. They re-signed with the UFC as a clothing sponsor, and before you can say “but just three weeks ago…” Dana White was seen in photographs with “That F****ing T-Shirt Guy” (a.k.a. Affliction CEO Tom Attencio), all smiles. Barnett is still trying to appeal his suspension, though he has an uphill battle considering his history. After all, he is quite literally the reason they started testing the sport for drugs in the first place.

MEGAN WANTS A MURDERER

What they don't know is that one of them...is a MURDERER! No, really. I'm not joking.

Megan, the ditzy long-legged blonde from “Flava of Love,” “Charm School,” and “Shameless Whore” “I Love Money” was given her own television show highlighting her greatest qualities: attention-whoring and gold-digging. A lineup of “millionaires,” including a man in his late forties that was heavily hinted to be involved in organized crime, vied for the affections(?) of yon protagonist.

One contestant, Ryan Jenkins, was already married to a swimsuit model by the name of Jasmine Fiore. This wasn’t a problem (nobody operates under the pretense that reality television is real after all) until Jenkins killed his wife, fled from the law, and committed suicide in British Columbia. VH1 did the right thing by immediately suspending the airing of the show as soon as Fiore was found, and the show was swiftly cancelled.

The bigger question – one that remains unanswered – is if this was just a case of reality finally catching up to “Reality” programming. Producers of these shows specifically look for emotionally unbalanced narcissists, going so far as to hire psychologists (whose licenses should be immediately revoked) to not only pinpoint these personalities but also manipulate them into certain situations during filming. This is not to say that the show itself is somehow responsible, but this is the risk you take when casting sociopaths.

So there you have it. The definitive list of all the bad things and catastrophes of the last year. Everything else that happened? Pure gold.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. December 22, 2009 at 6:13 am

    In 20 years when some genius decides to have a 2000s party, I want that person punched repeatedly in their nether regions and force-fed irradiated trans fats.

    Anally.

    • December 22, 2009 at 10:35 am

      I don’t even want to think about that obnoxiousness. I’m still dreading the eventual 90s Party.

  2. December 22, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Didn’t that Meghan wants a millionaire chick also start/return guest stripping at some clubs? I always wonder how much (or little) money people make when they do reality TV.

    And I want to know how people can just up and leave somewhere for like 3 weeks. How does that work?!

    • December 22, 2009 at 10:35 am

      Simple – no jobs.

      There’s not as much money in reality television. It’s why you see so many “ensemble” shows on VH1. Most money is made through doing more shows or through doing club spots/speaking engagements around the country.

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