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Transformers: Revenge of the Jaded Film Critic

Optimus Prime takes a brief respite from a battle to pose for a tourist shot besides The Sphinx in Egypt.  This is probably the least ridiculous thing you'll see in this film.

Optimus Prime takes a brief respite from a battle to pose for a tourist shot besides The Sphinx in Egypt. This is probably the least ridiculous thing you'll see in this film.

A lot of folks have asked if I’m going to see “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” this weekend, and up until today my response has been “sorry, but I don’t know if I can sit through two hours and forty-seven minutes of not being able to decipher what the Hell giant robots are doing.”

However, the reviews I’ve read have changed my mind.  I will, most likely, go out of my way to see this movie…if only to be able to come up with my own hilariously negative quote regarding Michael Bay’s ineptitude and blatant racism.

“Virtually all the dialogue is inaudible, drowned out by battles, explosions and gargantuan lumps of metal crashing into each other. I noted down a few morsels: ‘Punkass Decepticon, any last words?’ ‘The boy will not escape — we have him in our sights!’ and ‘There’s another source of Energon on this planet; the boy can lead us to it!’ I have no idea why I wrote those lines down, still less what they mean. I was just grateful to be able to hear them.”
– The London Daily Mail

“The French filmmaker Jacques Rivette once described an auteur as someone who speaks in the first person. Mr. Bay prefers to shout.”
– Manohla Dargis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

“Bay is a purveyor of clunky, occasionally enjoyable crap: I sometimes get pleasure out of his movies by marveling at the astonishingly low level of craftsmanship that he consistently gets away with.”
-Stephanie Zacharek, SALON.COM

“So what if he can’t put a coherent series of shots together? Bay’s going for pure sensation, and everyone knows dramatic continuity is for women and the weak.”
– Ty Burr, THE BOSTON GLOBE

“At 149 minutes, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is six minutes longer than the 2007 noise machine from which this sequel sprang, but those six minutes are like dog minutes.”
– Michael Phillips, THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE

“Compared to this sequel, the first “Transformers,” which was released two years ago, ranks right up there with Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason.” ”
– Joe Morgenstern, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

“If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together.”
– Roger Ebert, THE CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

Whenever I get on a rant about a particularly terrible movie or album people will ask why I even bothered in the first place since all indications were that it would be a terrible experience.  In the future I will simply point to quotes such as the one above from Roger Ebert and reply “because our greatest art comes from our greatest angst.”

Any other masochists heading out to the multi-plex this weekend?

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Categories: Uncategorized

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