I Got Beef With CHRISTIAN BALE
I got the beef, as the kids say, with Christian Bale.
While walking through Wal-Mart earlier this evening, I saw a $9 DVD rack. One of the movies was "Willow," which was one of my favorite films as a child.
"A fair price," I said to myself. "But can I justify such an extravagance?"
I pondered the consequences of this purchase, and even weighed the fact that the DVD came with commentary by Warwick Davis. How wonderful it would have been to hear his insights on the making of the film, and the incredible special effects employed by the Jim Henson workshop to make Val Kilmer look human. Then my eyes wandered slightly to my left, and what bullshit doth my pupils perceive?
"Look at this cocky bastard," I said to myself. "He just walks in front of a camera, broods, spits out what I suppose passes for a halfway decent American accent in Hollywood, verbally abuses the DP, and makes enough money to buy 500,000 copies of ‘Willow.’ And I loved that movie when I was a kid! Man, do I ever harbor resentment towards Christian Bale."
As I ended my rant and avoided the uncomfortable stares of other shoppers, I realized that it wasn’t about "Willow." No, this goes deeper than Warwick Davis. Truth be told, I can easily afford the DVD, but figured if I was going to test whether or not one of my favorite films from when I was eight years old still holds up, it’d be better to Netflix it.
It’s about two things. Firstly, that GQ cover. Just look at the way he crosses his arms. He’s doing the same trick that white trash dudes learn in High School where you stick their hands under your biceps and push the fat forward to squish them flat and give the appearance of them being bigger than they actually are. That shit may fly in the corner table of the High School cafeteria, but in the real world you aren’t going to feel anybody.
Oh, and the headline – "DON’T MESS WITH CHRISTIAN BALE: He has moods & he will crush you."
OH REALLY? Well, I don’t do lighting on your set, nor am I your sister or your mother. So let’s see you try your moods on me.
The second major gripe I have with Bale is the goddamn Batman voice. That’s right, I’m still pissed about it. Do you know how goddamn good "The Dark Knight" was? Do you know how much work, talent, blood, sweat, and tears went into that film? And do you know how close he came to completely screwing it up with his ‘little boy impersonating the Devil’ voice and his awful, terrible performance as Bruce Wayne?
Curse you, Christian Bale! I’m tired of enjoying movies despite your attempts to obstruct my full enjoyment, I’m sick of your insecurity about the size of your arms, and I’m sick of reading or watching your latest tirade on the internet against somebody who can’t defend themselves for fear of losing their job or because they’re smaller in stature and a woman. But mostly I’m still pissed about your terrible Batman voice.