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The Oscar nominations were announced this week, and as anybody who follows me on Twitter is no doubt aware, I’m OUTRAGED at a certain omission that I’m sure you’re all familiar with. Hell, you’re probably every bit as angry as I am!

First, take a gander at the list of nominees before we experience some shared outrage.

k, you back? k.

Okay, so WHAT THE MOTHER EFFIN’ EFFER EFF! POOP STAINS! No nomination for Kevin James as Paul Blart in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop?” What a bunch of horse privates. So what if Sean Penn can make his voice high-pitched and throw in an occasional lisp? Kevin James grew a moustache! If that isn’t method, I don’t know what is. So much for Oscar respecting the craft of acting.

Okay, okay. Enough poking fun at “The Dark Knight” crowd. There’s a legitimate case to be made for that film’s inclusion for “Best Picture,” even though all the films that ended up with a Best Picture nomination were good to great. However, despite what some folks may insist, it didn’t get the shaft simply because it was a comic book film. In fact, I can think of five glaring reasons off the top of my head why “The Dark Knight” wasn’t nominated for Best Picture:
1. Christian Bale’s “Batman” voice.
2. The voice Christian Bale used when he stopped being Bruce Wayne and became “Batman.”
3. Sometimes when Christian Bale was dressed up as a giant bat, he’d start talking like a seven-year-old child doing an impersonation of The Devil.
4. Seemingly every single character having a distractingly verbose view of the definition of “justice” that they openly shared.
5. That damn Batman voice.

If you want to talk about glaring omissions, let’s instead talk about Clint Eastwood getting the shaft for “Gran Torino.” It’s a shame that there isn’t an award similar to “MVP” trophies in professional sports, because Eastwood was so good in front of the camera that he made you forget how clumsy he was behind it. Don’t get me wrong – I liked “Gran Torino.” But it did have its weaknesses and was, by far, the weakest offering on paper that Eastwood’s ever been at the helm for as director. The film being as enjoyable as it was is due solely to his portrayal of Walt Kowalski, who yes, is named after famed golden age professional wrestler Walter “Killer” Kowalski.

In addition to the last of the Hollywood alpha males, at least two women got screwed when they announced the nominees for “Best Actress in a Supporting Role.” Firstly, while I enjoyed Amy Adams in “Doubt” I’m hard pressed to find anything outstanding and remarkable about her performance. I think it’s mostly due to the character she portrayed rather than any judgment on her actual abilities. Where I would render judgment on ability, though, is the inclusion of Marisa Tomei for her role in “The Wrestler.” As I noted in my review of the film, she’s not awful in it, but that’s also the best compliment you can give her. Besides something dumb like “those titties don’t look 40!”

Another gripe? Best Animated Feature Film. I’m calling you out, Academy, for only nominating films that you’ve seen commercials for while your kids are watching “Spongebob Squarepants.” I won’t claim to be an afficianado of animation, but what about films from other countries? In a year where they shunned two of the best-received big-budget blockbusters in the history of motion pictures, the Academy went out of their way to going beyond the arthouse and pulling in the outright obscure (“Frozen River”?) for their nominees. And yet again, there are only three nominees for Best Animated Feature Film, and none of them are anything other than big-budget CGI flicks. I may be going out on a limb, but this reeks of the Grammys giving the first “Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance” statue to Jethro Tull.

Alright, I’m done ranting. My apologies if it seemed a bit discombobulated, but I’m exhausted after a particularly long work week. It was so long, in fact, that I had completely forgotten that I actually had Monday off from work. Seriously.

More later…

  1. January 24, 2009 at 6:08 am

    I really feel like Perpsepolis should have been nominated for either animation or foreign film.

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