Home > Uncategorized > IT’S A SCANDAL, IT’S AN OUTRAGE – Kevin Marshall Screwed Again

IT’S A SCANDAL, IT’S AN OUTRAGE – Kevin Marshall Screwed Again

Newsweek, as part of the print media’s never-ending quest to appear at least somewhat relevant at a time where technology has surpassed their medium at an alarming and embarrassing rate, has named “Five People Who Are Changing the Internet.”

And I’m not one of them.

You read that right. I know I KNOW, I’m just as upset as you are. I mean, what do I have to do to get some goddamn recognition on this thing? I have a blog, which you’re reading right now. I even have my own URL – KevinMarshallOnline.com. I host not one but TWO podcasts – Living Under Marshall Law and 4 Color Commentary. Even though I haven’t posted an episode for either in months, they still exist and new episodes are coming…eventually. And old episodes are still archived. AND they’re still available in the iTunes Music Store!

Oh, and last week I signed up for Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/KevinMarshall) so that my legions of readers, listeners, and followers could finally learn the answers to burning questions such as “What did Kevin just see that made him smirk?”, “What’s Kevin listening to while he’s at the gym?”, and my favorite “What time did Kevin wake up this morning?”

It’s an outrage to be sure. I feel like all of my efforts and subsequently all the brilliant output I’m producing just ends up floating out there into the ether; unread, unheard, unappreciated. Note that I said I feel like that’s the case, not that it necessarily IS the case. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that my bombastic charisma and unique outlook on life cannot be ignored.

Unless you’re an editor for Newsweek. Let’s take a look at the five lesser individuals whom they claim are “changing” the internet.

1. Tina Brown, The Daily Beast
I don’t even know who this woman is or what her site does other than that the basic idea is it’s “The Huffington Post” without Arianna Huffington. Well okay, that’s actually an improvement over “The Huffington Post” just in lieu of the absence of the site’s namesake. Still, taking old well-known schticks and apeing them to the point of self-parody shouldn’t make you worthy of having the title of “changing the internet.” That’s like saying Jet changed the landscape of music with their mimicry of various classic rock acts. Remember them? Jet? God they sucked.

2. Julius Genachowski, Web Wonk
The main justification for his placement on this list was that he was a schoolyard chum of a certain President-Elect and got in his ear about integrating Twitter, text messaging, and e-mail into his campaign. I guess he should get some credit for guiding the Obama Campaign towards proper usage of the internet; I’m certainly glad I didn’t get any “FORWARD THIS TO SIX PEOPLE OR YOUR CAT WILL DIE” e-mails from David Plouffe. But what about me? True story: I suggested Barack Obama take off his shirt. He was doing a public appearance about a week ago, and I yelled out “TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND ALL YOUR CLOTHES RIGHT NOW!” I was immediately escorted out of the event, but I don’t have to tell you how influential my suggestion became to our President-elect. Where’s my propers?

3. Evan Williams, Twitter
There’s an endless number of people these days extolling the virtues of Twitter in business, the media, and especially the world of journalism, citing examples such as the use of the site during the earthquake in China several months ago. Look, I heard that same shit about Instant Messaging back in the day. It essentially boils down to people trying to justify the existence of a technology they primarily use to dick around and avoid doing work. Evan Williams, the only thing you’ve contributed to is making people dumber, less articulate, even more brief with their thoughts and opinions, and even fatter than they already are. Thanks, ass.

4. Jason Kilar, Hulu
If a hundred people copy an idea, eventually one of them will make money. It’s the same principle that says a million monkeys with a million typewriters will eventually write Shakespeare (which, coincidentally, is how they generate content for The Daily Beast – OH FUCKING BURN, TINA BROWN!). Really it was a no-brainer, and I don’t think that Jason Kilar should be congratulated simply because NBC and Universal figured out what everybody else had already figured out eight years ago – that a profit model existed for television shows on the internet. I’ve been saying that for years! Where’s my space in a major publication, and more importantly where’s my goddamn money?

5. Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook
Okay, fine, you got me. Facebook did change the landscape of the internet. No longer do we have to toil on the trailer park of online social networks that is MySpace and put up with pointless bulletins, dumb forwards, and horrible “programs” and “applications” that people throw on their profile just to piss me off and make my home computer’s already terrible performance even worse. Thank God for Facebook, whi—hold on, sorry, gotta ignore this Vampire Zombie Militia invitation. Okay, where were we? Oh, right, Facebook. As I was saying…unlike MySpace, we aren’t being bombar— sorry, need to ignore this invite to plant a flower in a female acquaintances garden, as sexually inviting as that sounds. Okay, where were we? GODDAMNIT, I DON’T WANT TO BE IN YOUR MOB. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Okay, I’ll admit it, Sheryl changed the internet. She changed it by giving me exposure to even more stuff and people that annoy me on a daily basis. But I won’t fault her too much, because she’s adorable. And rich. Sheryl, if you’re reading this, I’m single and in the market for a Sugar Momma. Just sayin’.

So there’s your five according to Newsweek. Infuriating, isn’t it? Leave it to the media to heap unwarranted praise and attention onto a person simply because they recognize their name from somewhere. Can you imagine if we operated like that in the real world? For example if people were considered for Senate seats just because of their last name? Thank God we don’t live in a country like that.

…listen, all I’m saying is that at some point I should at least be on the shortlist for Time’s “Person of the Year.” And if chosen, they’ll have to change it back to “Man of the Year” just because of all the testosterone I carry around with me on a daily basis. Yeahhhh.

More later….

  1. December 24, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    Shirley Ann Jackson is being considered for that seat, too, I discovered yesterday.

    And don’t expect me to show up on Twitter any time soon. I can’t justify telling people on the internet what I’m doing every moment of the day. My life is barely interesting enough to justify posting here or myspace or facebook.

    • December 25, 2008 at 2:32 am


  2. December 25, 2008 at 12:33 am

    Wow, Tom & Myspace totally got left out. That’s hilarious, because Twitter was added and it’s one of the most pointless sites I’ve seen. I probably just say that because I still don’t understand how to work the damn thing. But don’t feel too bad, they left me out, too. =]

    • December 25, 2008 at 2:34 am

      Let’s make our New Year’s Resolution to be on that list.

      And yes, Twitter is wholly pointless. I think in fact that I blogged about how stupid it was to even possess a Twitter account, and less than a week later I had one and was using it. I can’t explain it.

      Wait, yes I can. You know how kids take D.A.R.E. in Elementary School and they’re all “crack is whack,” but then some of them smoke crack anyway and suddenly it’s not whack but really it still is they just don’t know it? That’s why I use Twitter.

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