Don’t take it personally.
I may be losing some of you readers, since much of this deals with personal stuff and sort of references a friends-only entry I posted late last night. But, hey, there’s some things that I need to put out there for the sake of having it out there.
In the rooms – that’s an AA term – we refer to it as “telling on ourselves.” It’s simply vocalizing with others the problems that we’re having. In the context of Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s problems related specifically to our alcoholism and letting other people in the program know so that they can offer help or, at the very least, some sage advice via the relaying of personal experience.
In this context, which is far broader and infinitely more public (and some would also say more impersonal and self-indulgent), it just equates to me being forthright about all the things I think I’m doing wrong with both the various relationships in my life and how I deal with day to day life. Okay, I’m TOTALLY going to lose some of you here, but bear with me. Or don’t – honestly, I won’t be offended if you stop reading. As a matter of fact, let’s put the rest of this entry behind a cut, shall we?
I’ve been experiencing a lot of anger and resentment lately, which has led to that dreaded secondary emotion of fear. Granted, I think some of what I feel is legitimate, such as the worry over the recent round of lay-offs at my place of employment. However, I’m finding that even getting over that hump, I’m still harboring a lot of those emotions and displacing it towards other areas of my job.
What it comes down to is that I haven’t taken enough time lately to examine myself in the wake of how I’ve been feeling. Because really, when it comes down to it, my anger and resentment is a direct result of something that’s happening with me. We can allow things to bother us, certainly, and we wouldn’t be human if outside forces and individuals didn’t have an effect on us emotionally.
It’s when I allow those negative emotions to linger and move from reactionary to semi-permanent states that leads to trouble, and that’s what’s been happening lately. I’m allowing some of the negative stuff to linger and affect my general demeanor to a far greater extent than what’s warranted, which also leads to a general discontent regarding what I do and don’t have. Which is particularly troublesome considering all the things I have that I should appreciate, since they exceed my basic needs.
So to those of you that I deal with on a regular enough basis and/or may have been adversely affected by my mood as of late, I apologize. It’s been nothing that any of you have done, and I’m certainly not trying to avoid you. I just have a lot of stuff I need to process and figure out.
Essentially what it all comes down to is finding that balance between allowing myself to feel these emotions, taking ownership of them, and knowing when they are and aren’t justified (and when they aren’t figuring out why I’m really experiencing them). I don’t know how much of that or really if any of this is going to make sense to those of you reading this, and I apologize if it’s sort of a jumbled mess. But I just guess that’s where I am right now mentally.
Well, that was relatively painless.