Home > Uncategorized > Kevin Marshall Presents: THINGS THAT LOOK AWFUL (September ’08)

Kevin Marshall Presents: THINGS THAT LOOK AWFUL (September ’08)

“I’ve seen horrors. Horrors that you’ve seen. … It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared…they are truly enemies.”
Marlon Brando as Col. Kurtz, “Apocalypse Now” (1979)

I’ve seen some horrible things over the last twenty-four hours as well, and figured I might as well share them with you.

THE ANTICIPATED RATINGS FOR THE BROADCAST NETWORKS’ UPCOMING FALL LINEUPS
And you can thank the Writer’s Strike, which all but eliminated the time of year traditionally known as “Pilot Season.” While in previous years we’d see teasers for new television series, this time around the hype is surrounding shows “coming back” that would never have even hit the air if it weren’t for the programming crisis that hit last Winter. So instead of a crop of promising new shows that get cancelled within the span of a few scant weeks, we’re treated to shows like “Knight Rider: The Series” (just so we don’t confuse it with “Knight Rider: The Harlequin Romance Novels”) and “Lipstick Jungle” (where unfortunately the characters aren’t mauled by tigers) getting stays of execution simply because there’s no other alternative.

Oh, and Brooke Shields in “Lipstick Jungle?” That woman is to acting what Wesley Willis was to music, with the exception that Willis was at least unintentionally funny.

And if you think the ramifications we’re still feeling from the Writers’ Strike is bad, just wait until the Actors walk off sets en masse. Get ready for the 2009 Fall Season! Highlights include a new series starring Claudia Schiffer as a tough aggressive lawyer who isn’t supposed to speak broken English and the hit retro throwback “My Mother: The Car…of the FUTURE!”

THE FILM ADAPTATION OF CHUCK PALAHNIUK’S CHOKE

A look at what it would be like if I ruled the world: work camps for people who participate in poor film adaptations of things I enjoy. Not pictured: Mark Steven Johnson and Ben Affleck carrying large boulders with their feet shackled together.

I’ve been seeing more commercials for this lately, and boy does it look terrible.

Admittedly Choke is not Palahniuk’s best work as a novelist, but it certainly doesn’t deserve the treatment it seems to be getting here. The film adaptation was written and directed by Clark Gregg, who is perhaps best known for his work on “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” As an actor. As far as I can tell he has absolutely no experience as a director. Prior writing credits include the hacky and disastrously predictable Hitchcock wannabe “What Lies Beneath” and…nope, nothing else.

Oh Hell.

In addition to the problem of having a writer/director who might just be doing it because it sounds like a fun thing to do, the film seems to lose the “dark” aspect of Palahniuk’s dark comedy. The film’s promoted as coming from the author of Fight Club‘s “sick and twisted” sense of humor, however seems intent on presenting “sick and twisted” in the style of the Farrelly Brothers. In other words, look for every line and joke to be delivered with all the subtlety of a juicy fart by actors whose performances might as well include direct glances at the audience accompanied by a knowing winks.

Also, I can barely stand Sam Rockwell in supporting roles, and you’re asking me to go see a movie where he stars as the principle character? Fat chance.

THE NEW FACEBOOK
“Wait a minute,” we said some time back. “This doesn’t make any sense. Not only is there no reason for this, but no good can come from going through with this. It’ll do nothing but upset the people directly affected by it. And your reasonings don’t make sense and don’t stand up! All these benefits you’re selling us on are complete bullshit. I cannot fathom how this could happen with so much in terms of fact, logic, and popular opinion going against it.”

But enough about the Iraq War, we’re here to talk about the new design for Facebook.

chrusty IMed me earlier this evening and asked who came up with the design. That’s a good question, and my only guesses are Satan or Tom from MySpace. I smelled something like this coming some months ago when I noticed an increase in the so-called “Applications” popping up that were overly invasive and clearly had little function except to extract personal information from its participants. With all the idiotic invites I was receiving (I believe “Mob Wars” was the first bottom hit), I figured it was only a matter of time before Facebook became the next Myspace in terms of uselessness. Little did I know they’d also incorporate the worst aspects of MySpace’s layout and aesthetics as well.


[link to image of: New Facebook]

It doesn’t help that LeVanna had the audacity to make an unpleasant experience even worse by putting a picture of Sarah Palin on my home screen. Also, Jess Collier, you do NOT need to go on a diet. Just like Billy Joel said, “who pusht dat tree in frontsh of mah carrrr WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARRRRRRRRRRE!” *cue sexy 1980s saxophone solo*

The mention of the GOP’s Vice-Presidential nominee brings us to our next thing that looks awful.

SARAH PALIN’S JAWLINE
When you hear someone describe a woman as “handsome,” it’s usually because they’re either old or have subtly masculine characteristics that the describer can’t quite pinpoint. Well, I can: it’s her jawline. I know she may have won beauty pageants, but that goddamn thing could fight crime, or it could be a villain itself. C’mon, I can’t be the only one who sees her profile from the right-hand side and can’t decide if it’s more reminiscent of the title character from the early 90s “Batman: The Animated Series” or Trapjaw from the old He-Man cartoons*. Although the latter comparison might not be fair, since Trapjaw’s proximity to Skeletor makes a better argument for foreign policy experience than Alaska’s proximity to Russia.

Just so you can’t play your Dork cards in the comments section, I will correctly note that the actual name of the series was “Masters of the Universe.”

And I’ll really Queen it up by making the last “THING THAT LOOKS AWFUL”…

MEG RYAN
Roommate and “4 Color Commentary” co-host Steve “Dreg” Henel received an HD television set from his parents as an early Christmas gift. We set it up in our living room, and at about midnight EST we were watching “Late Night with David Letterman.” Much to my horror, the guest was Meg Ryan in HIGH DEFINITION. It was not a pretty sight.

I know the jokes have been made about her refusal to age gracefully, but I’ve been hearing people say that she doesn’t look nearly as awful lately. LIES! No amount of hair extensions can hide horrible cosmetic surgery mishaps. She used to have the endearing “girl next door” quality to her, where she was attractive but not in manner that could be viewed as sexually intimidating. Now she looks like the clowns that chase children in their nightmares. You know, the ones where the children start running in slow motion while the clown speeds up right before everything turns to black.

Also horrifying is the prospect of having to see those terrifying lips of hers for two hours. She has a new movie out that from what I gather falls into the fanatasy genre, since the clip they showed had Debra Messing looking comfortable while standing next to a black person.

Annnnnd that’ll do for tonight.

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  1. September 13, 2008 at 5:55 am

    Deleted my Facebook well over a year ago, have never once looked back…

  2. September 14, 2008 at 2:59 am

    You know what I hate about the new Facebook layout? You can’t find fucking anything. They completely relocated every link and option.

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