Home > Uncategorized > 5/26/08 – How having permanent bedroom eyes almost got me in trouble…WITH THE LAW!

5/26/08 – How having permanent bedroom eyes almost got me in trouble…WITH THE LAW!

So my naturally big eyes almost got me in trouble at a DWI stop.

Tonight I went to Bob’s Diner with a few friends and then went to play pool. Originally we were going to go to Brown’s, but it being Sunday they closed the kitchen early.

On the way home, I stupidly took 87 South and ended up having to loop around Western and get back on the Northway. So take the on-ramp and the New York State Troopers have a Checkpoint set up. Which is fine. Samantha was in the car with me, and we were both like “ugh” but only in preparation of the monotony.

I pull up, they ask where I’ve been, I tell them. They ask if I’ve had anything to drink. I, of course say no. Then they ask if I’m on any sort of medication. “….no,” I reply, wondering why the Hell they’re so suspicious.

Then one of the troopers has me follow his finger. I do and I pass. He exchanges a confused glance with the other Trooper that approached my car.

One of them asks “…why are your pupils dilated?”

Let’s pause the story. For those of you who haven’t had the benefit of meeting me in person, my siblings and I have what some have termed “big eyes,” “bedroom eyes,” whatever. Long story short, we all have really big eyes, and every woman I’ve been with has commented on it.

Of course, I’m not going to explain this to them, because that sounds like a total bullshit story. So instead, I say that I honestly don’t know, and that it could be my contacts since they’re a little dry. Which isn’t a lie – they sort of were.

“Why don’t you pull over to the side.”

Christ, here we go.

The two Troopers come back over to my car and start asking me the same questions again. An older Trooper walks over with them, asks me a couple questions, says “I’m satisfied” and walks away. The young troopers, not to be discouraged by this obvious nudge from one of their superiors letting them know they’re wasting their time, ask again if I’d hadanything to drink tonight, at which point I let them know that I haven’t had a drink in almost two years and that I’m in AA. I was absolutely prepared to whip out my wallet and show them my coins, which I keep in my wallet right in a spot where they create a permanent indentation (that way, the coins kick me in the ass every time I sit down and give me the constant reminder that I personally require in order to maintain my sobriety).

One of them asked me how many times I go to meetings. I let him know that I try to go four to five times a week…basically whenever I can hit them. “What the Hell,” my internal dialogue replied.

There’s a long pause as the two young troopers look at each other. “Are you SURE you’re not on anything?”

“Yeah, positive” I reply, at this point just wanting to get the fuck out of there before they waste my time with a field sobriety test. After a pregnant pause: “…alright. Drive safe.”

They should see me when my pupils are REALLY dilated. I seriously look like something out of a Japanese horror film.

Sam and I had a discussion after I pulled away. She was as confused as I was, and we came to the conclusion that they just aren’t used to seeing somebody with bedroom eyes. I correct her, because they’re not bedroom eyes at all. They are, in fact….

HUNGRY EYYYYYYYES
(one look at you and I can’t disguise)

Happy Memorial Day, everybody. For those of you who DO drink, please make sure that you have a Designated Driver with you at all times. To Hell with the Checkpoints. Do it because you care about yourself and, more importantly, the other people on the road. Every day we needlessly lose mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, and friends because people can’t have a good time responsibly.

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  1. May 26, 2008 at 6:17 am

    even though it is far older, i now think of stewie griffin when i hear that song

  2. May 26, 2008 at 2:23 pm

    i have the same eye thing, though i’ve never been persecuted at a checkpoint because of it.

  3. May 26, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    I thought you had Bette Davis Eyes, or as Buckwheat called them, “Mennna Dayba Ahh”

    • May 26, 2008 at 7:53 pm

      It also results in me

      WOOKIN’ PA NUB IN ALL DAWONG PACES
      WOOKIN’ PA NUUUUUUB

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