Home > Uncategorized > Microsoft & Yahoo Get Dirty, Grammy Awards, M’Lady, and some quick thoughts on RAW

Microsoft & Yahoo Get Dirty, Grammy Awards, M’Lady, and some quick thoughts on RAW

YAHOO! says NO!
Yahoo! has officially rejected Evil Empire Microsoft’s $44 billion bid in the hopes of raising the asking price.

Despite the jokes, Yahoo as an international brand is huge. You or me wouldn’t pay anything more than $56 (without the “billion”), and to the average Joe Internet here in the States, Yahoo is nothing more than a Jurassic predecessor to all things Google. But overseas the brand name is still huge and its services widely utilized. Additionally, Microsoft could benefit from having their own Google (which is untouchable to them at this point) to diddle with, though I don’t have to tell anyone reading this who’s used any Office ’07 program or the Vista OS how well I think that’s going to turn out (it won’t).

But wait, Microsoft is now flirting with the idea of a hostile takeover, saying they’re disappointed by the word “no” but that they’re going to get what they want by any means necessary. In practical day to day life, that’s a horrible crime we call “rape.” But in the corporate world, well that’s just business. God bless America.

GRAMMYS TURN 50
Oh yeah, the Grammys were last night. Here’s a fun game where you can debate endlessly with your friends: Which is the bigger joke of an awards show, the Grammys or the Golden Globes?

On the one hand, you have the Golden Globes, which are nothing more than expensive porno for wannabe starfuckers (the Hollywood Foreign Press) and celebrity “dish” journalists and hit the bottom of the barrel last month when the Writer’s Strike forced them to change their awards to a Press Conference. And the jokes past and present – eg. Billy Bush and Pia Zadora winning an award for her “acting” – have consistently written themselves (too bad the show couldn’t have done the same this year – HEYOOOOO).

But then you have the Grammys. And what makes this a tough call is that while the Golden Globes are a complete joke, they’re supposed to be a complete joke and treated as something akin to a teaser trailer for the Academy Awards. The Grammys, on the other hand, seem to have even less respect amongst those in the industry and that’s supposed to be THE Awards show! And what’s sadder – an awards show relegated to a one-hour press conference, or an Awards show struggling so desperately in recent years (after everyone finally looked back on the last almost fifty years and realized from the omissions alone that they mean nothing) that the big selling point was media trainwreck Amy Winehouse performing live from somewhere else? Or more importantly, the question of whether she’d be in any condition to perform?

Yes, play this game. It’s a lot of fun. There isn’t a specific points system, nor are there any rules. Well, except one – discussion cannot go longer than twenty minutes. If you don’t follow this rule, you’ll be trapped in an “apple and oranges” or “would you rather eat dog poop or human poop” argument that’ll stretch out into infinity. Also, you might just end up making yourself horribly depressed.

Oh, but right, the show itself. The highlights of the evening:
AMY TRIED TO GET A VISA, THEY SAID NOOOOO NOOOOO NO. Well, eventually they said yes, but it was too late and as a result she performed from a studio in London. She won some awards, and it was really touching, especially when she thanked her criminal husband. I know people think this is a great moment and possible turnaround for her, but the sad truth is that it’s bottoms – not awards or encouragement – that ultimately get addicts out of the hole that they’re in. It’d be nice to think that the Grammys can perhaps provide some sort of fairy tale ending here, but that’s not the way the real world works.
Kanye West being cut off by an orchestra just as he was about to thank his deceased mother. You know, there was a time when Awards shows didn’t last anywhere from five to six days, and those speeches were just as long. Just sayin’.
Kid Rock trying to scat. Which would make sense, except the kind of “scat” his music is reminiscent of has nothing to do with jazz.
– Speaking of which, Herbie Hancock wins best album. Oh…kay. I’m not one to say the Grammys need to get hip, because that’s part of the problem with them sometimes. It just strikes me as odd is all. Admittedly, though, I didn’t hear Herbie Hancock’s…jazz piano album. About Joni Mitchell. Wait, what?!
– Obama won Best Spoken Word. I’d like to think this means something, but Magic Johnson once won this award for reading out of an AIDS pamphlet. Seriously.
– The Band getting a Lifetime Achievement Award. Hell to the Yes.

I’ve already written more than I wanted to about an awards show I didn’t watch and didn’t care about until I got bored tonight. But we’ll close on…this.

Ladies and gentlemen, Will.I.am in what’s for my money the most embarrassing Grammy performance in the history of embarrassing Grammy performances. What’s amazing is hearing the lack of reaction from the crowd. The vast majority of people in that crowd are there to do nothing more than cheer anything and everything that gets thrown in front of them. Yet they can’t even muster anything other than polite and reserved applause when he’s finished. Even clips of the most ridiculously popular songs throughout history playing in a montage were met with absolute silence. Something went horribly, horribly wrong here.

And seriously, those rhymes? What the Hell was that? I’d expect better lyrics and delivery from a 12-year-old, let alone a guy who does this for a living. I just hope that the right people were watching that and will think twice before letting him insert himself into any of their tracks. The Black Eyed Peas after 2001 hinted at it, and this makes it official: WILL.I.AM’S CREDIBILITY = DESTROYED. Stick to beats, Will. And actually, after that, never open your mouth again, even to speak.

Then again, he came across as the most talentless individual on an evening that also featured a performance by Fergie. That does take something special, so maybe he deserves some recognition after all.

My Girlfriend Continues to be Awesome in Ways I Cannot Describe
’nuff said. Well, perhaps not. Because she puts a smile on my face even on those days where I get crankier than Crabby Appleton on a rainy day, and we are in her words a “Rock Hard” couple. All this despite the fact that I still occasionally watch

RAW
, because Lord knows I wouldn’t date a guy who did.

I watched RAW tonight for the first time in ages. The show ended with a pretty damn good Michaels/Hardy match, which would’ve been that much better if this wasn’t all leading to HHH pedigreeing everybody in existence eighteen times this Sunday at “No Mercy” (which has a graphic featuring Jeff Hardy chained underwater which I imagine must also be his anti-drug commercial) on his way to headlining Wrestlemania and guaranteeing it draws a little less money than it would have otherwise. C’est la vie.

William Regal’s grown his hair out a bit more. Good on him, since it makes him look quite a bit younger (everybody assumes Regal is much MUCH older than he actually is), but his hair was looking GREAT a few months ago. Now, not so much.

Paul Burchill’s back! That guy is so fucking amazing. As much as WWE uses it as a bullshit throwaway line for any guy who has some rudimentary skills but isn’t getting over, Burchill is seriously one of the most agile larger men and one of the best all-around athletes WWE has had on its roster in a long, long time. I’d put him right up there with Shelton Benjamin and Elijah Burke. The guy’s a natural, has a great look, is very damn good in the ring, and cuts a decent promo. So now, they bring him back after that disastrous “pirate gimmick” they did a year or so ago. His new gimmick? Oh, he’s fucking his sister. I shit you not. This is why wrestling fans are so ornery about their own product, because they get a great guy like Burchill who could be money and saddle him with such bullshit until they release him a year from now and say “sorry, we didn’t have anything for you that didn’t involve you being a pirate or fucking your sister…so bye.”

Finlay, as protector of the diminutive Hornswoggle McMahon (half-Leprechaun half-McMahon…I shit you not), is feuding with Vince and whacking him over the head with a shilelagh. Great stuff.

Getting back to the pay-per-view this Sunday, the drawing point is not one but two Elimination Chamber matches to determine who gets the respective title shots for the WWE Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania. To give you an idea of how clearly WWE defines what is considered the major brand and what’s considered the B-show, the RAW Chamber has HHH, Shawn Michaels, Jeff Hardy, Umaga, Chris Jericho, and JBL. The Smackdown side has The Undertaker, The Great Khali, Big Daddy V, A Sack of Potatoes, One of the Mulkey Brothers, and Kerry Von Erich’s Corpse. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, especially because a match featuring one of the Mulkey Brothers and a Von Erich (dead or alive) would be a Hell of a lot better than any match containing both The Great Khali and Big Daddy V. So yeah, Smackdown sucks, and it’s being cancelled by UPN. Most likely it’ll end up on USA, and after another six months they’ll give up and start treating it like the old Sunday Night Heat.

For those of you who might quip “they already do, it’s called ECW and airs on Sci-Fi” – please. That show is Velocity at best.

More later…

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  1. February 12, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    this post is greatness…i cannot define.

    • February 12, 2008 at 6:24 pm

      I can define it. It was a Marshall.

      MARSHALL (Mahr-shul)
      1. (n.) A truly awesome online journal/blog entry. eg. “Man, that last post you made was a total Marshall.”
      2. (v.) The act of writing a truly awesome journal/blog entry. eg. “I Marshall’ed the shit out of that last entry.”

  2. February 12, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    Well, what’s wrong with Will.I.Am. He’s “celebratin’ all do dope jammies at the grammys.” I think it was… poignant. 🙂

    • February 12, 2008 at 6:22 pm

      Was YOUR past year a “Slammy” like it was for people who were nominated for a Grammy?

  3. February 12, 2008 at 7:08 pm

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