Home > Uncategorized > Rudy Giuliani Drops Out; The Hawaii Chair

Rudy Giuliani Drops Out; The Hawaii Chair

Hey folks! Sorry for the delay between blog entries. I’ve been busy with some stuff, primarily work and friends and being gay with the girlfriend. Seriously, we’re so damn awesome and cute to each other it makes us throw up in our mouths a little.

So Rudy’s out. I think the lesson to be learned here is despite how little the early States might seem to matter in a Republican primary, we live in an age where people are getting so much more information from the ‘net and national news outlets as compared to local media that it becomes important to remain visible on a grand scale (nationally). In other words, he didn’t need to win those early States, but he did need to keep himself a player in all those races to get more face time and have his name dropped more often in the national news media. You know, other than in the c ontext of “Rudy’s a non-factor in these States and falling behind fast.”

It’s things like that, rather than “internet campaigns” for Presidential candidates a la Dean in ’04 and Paul in ’08, that’re more reflective of the REAL impact the “information age” has on politics. Rudy’s people should have known better, and I seriously can’t imagine something dumber.

OH WAIT, YES I CAN!

Alright, where do we begin with this video? Firstly, we have the amazing jingle, most likely composed by an all-smiles 53-year-old with thinning hair that’s almost a mullet but not quite, and who laughs at everything. Also, when he talks, I bet he sounds like Mike Graham. For those of you who don’t know who Mike Graham is, imagine a cranky old ex-wrestler who can’t let go of the past and vastly overestimates his impact on the industry while guffawing about the time he went on a live pay-per-view and didn’t give an inch to a Japanese guy (Jushin Liger) three times as talented as he’ll ever be. Now, make him a total fucking nerd. THAT’S Mike Graham. But more importantly, I guarantee the guy who wrote and sang that jingle sounds exactly like him. What makes this jingle so awesome is that it flies in the face of conventional wisdom by actually going to a higher register and then abruptly ending. Beautiful.

Next, we have the host of the infomercial. On first glance, he’s utterly unremarkable in the realm of infomercials. He has the same insincere and overexcited delivery we’ve come to expect when we wake up at 3:30am and realize the television’s still on, except he also looks like a shaved rat who’s had the loose skin on the back of his neck stapled together to make his face tighter. Also, his eyes are deep black opals that say “I made a deal with Satan just so I can sell you this chair.” And the kicker comes when he talks to us office folk, and says the phrase “40 hours a week” like it’s this wholly unmanageable and unfathomable amount of time to spend on a work week. “FORTY HOURS A WEEK?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” says the person watching the infomercial because he doesn’t have to be up for work the next morning due to falling on his ass at his last job and getting a sweet settlement and worker’s comp.

Next, we have Erin Lee with PerfectUSA (which surprisingly is NOT the codename for a fascist movement) to introduce us to The Hawaii Chair in use at the office. Poor girl. Erin was most likely a doughy-eyed Marketing Management major with a minor in Theater who really thought she’d break through the business world and charm everybody in the room with her bubbly personality, making some corporation millions of dollars while raising her own personal profile and hopefully making the world a better – and happier – place with her business savvy. Instead, she’s trying to juggle the unenviable task of exuding enthusiasm about a product that only the developmentally disabled would think does what they claim it does while simultaneously trying not to fly off the goddamn death trap she’s sitting on. Meanwhile, John Ashcroft from his younger days (he’s travelled from the past to warn us about the future!) can only sit frozen in terror and nod his head approvingly at Erin when he realizes she’s going to survive this shoot.

And oh, the office workers. The first girl sounds like she just heard a furry describe his/her fetish lifestyle and wants to end the conversation as quickly and politely as possible. This is followed by clips of The Hawaii Chair in use at the office. Look at what you can do while on the Hawaii Chair – you can talk about how great it is, you can awkwardly fumble for the phone receiver, and you can even gingerly grab a flex folder.

Unfortunately, we only get the briefest glimpse of the producers of this infomercial terrorizing old people at an old nursing home. And pay attention to the box on the upper-right – The Hoveround makes a cameo! I must see this extended sequence, just so I can confirm my assumption that when it rolls past there’s canned cheering and applause like when Nancy Reagan showed up on “Diff’rent Strokes.”

Well, I know what I’m buying with that big $600 check from the gubment! Fo real, though, I want to have a one-on-one with an individual who bought this product (and didn’t do so ironically just so they could post a video on YouTube) and ask them their honest and unabashed opinion of the product. Then, once they get halfway through the sentence, I’d quietly start humming and then slowly transition to actually singing the Hawaii Chair jingle.

To tie this back to the start of this entry, I will say this: it’s going to be McCain and Obama in the General Election. I’m an Obama guy. But if we can get a visual of John McCain on a campaign stop, all smiles, griding away on a Hawaii Chair? He has my vote. Guaranteed.

Alright kids, I gotta rest up. I have work in the morning followed by date night! DAAAAAATE NIIIIIIIIGHT!

More later…

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  1. February 1, 2008 at 6:14 am

    Hey Kev! It just so happens that I’ve got my very own Hawaii Chair, and it sure does work great! It feels so good on my abs! And gosh, I get so much work done while still getting a GRRRRRRR-EAT workout!

    Also, I love that you somehow managed to make a blog about both primary politics and horrible infomercials cohesive. Well played.

    • February 1, 2008 at 4:10 pm

      I would pay good money to see you on television trying to pitch The Hawaii Chair.

      And thank you. I’m good like that.

  2. February 1, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    OMG, Hawaii Chair is the BEST

    • February 1, 2008 at 4:09 pm

      TOTES! It totally takes all the work out of the workout.

  3. February 1, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    I’m waiting for the North Dakota chair.

    • February 1, 2008 at 4:10 pm

      Is that the completely flat chair with no back that takes up a ton of floor space but doesn’t really accomplish anything?

  4. February 2, 2008 at 6:54 am

    I have nothing to add in regards to the Hawaii Chair. Wow.

    As for it being Obama/McCain… that’s not a choice I’m happy with (when is it ever?), but I’ll take it over any contest involving Clinton and/or Romney. I still won’t vote for Obama in November if he’s the candidate, but he’s the only one left from either major party (who stands a chance, at least) that I can stomach in the slightest.

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