Home > Uncategorized > Tragedy Strikes the House that Jaws Built

Tragedy Strikes the House that Jaws Built

The latest casualty of the Writer’s Strike: praise of a director for whom giving praise at this point is like digging up a dead horse just so you can flog the few bits of decayed bone and dust that remains for another fifteen to twenty minutes.

The Globes have promised that next year, they will give the Award as scheduled. But this year, there’s a strike on, and as such they just don’t have the writers to pen the introduction by Harrison Ford/Michael Bay/Gilbert Gottfried (oh God that last one would never happen but that’d be amazing, especially if he pretended he was dead serious about how great it was to work with “The Big Spiel”), videotaped celebrity praise, and acceptance speech.

I can’t even imagine what’s going through the mind of poor Spielberg. I hope that they go above in beyond next year and rename the Cecil B. Demille Award the Wowee How Great is Spielberg Award. I know a lot of people don’t understand how important he is to the medium, since you fuckers are all so goddamn illiterate when it comes to the artform of cinema. Let me put it to you in a context your feeble mind will understand: think of the best Nickelback song ever written. The BEST. But instead of a two-minute song that sounds like each of the last three singles they released, it’s a two-hour blockbuster film. A lot of them! That are tons of fun. Also, Stephen Spielberg is richer than the lead singer who looks like the Cowardly Lion (and he wears glasses [and his beard is gray {and he doesn’t suck so goddamn much}]).

THAT’S what we’re talking here, people.

It’s also worth noting that the article mentions something that was already announced but I wasn’t aware of, which is that the awards – which shockingly manage to nominate a song with credits that read “words and music by Clint Eastwood” without inciting some sort of riot – are airing in a “Press Conference format.” I’m assuming that means that those of us that will tune in out of morbid curiosity are going to see them literally just given to people. And they’ll do that for, like, an hour or two or whatever.

Jesus, that might be a lot of fun! Especially if they really go with the theme of a press conference. Just picture it:

– The press conference opens with a truly soaring musical number – THIS ONE. Quick sidenote – this video is what me having a complete nervous breakdown would look like.

– Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts for the evening, former White House Press Secretaries Scott McClellan and Tony Snow.

– McClellan and Snow perform their own monologue. They make jokes about Britney so tragically unfunny that even Jay Leno cringes. A long, awkward silence follows after Snow, ignorant of whom he’s talking about, refers to Hannah Montana as a “smokin’ hot sexpot.”

– Various awards are presented by celebrities. In adherence to the strike, superstars the like of Patrick Dempsey simply walk up to the podium, motion towards the winners while snapping their fingers, hand them the award and walk away.

– In the confusion, Pia Zadora somehow wins another award she has no Earthly right winning. Film composer Dario Marianelli excuses himself to go and cry in the men’s bathroom, his sobs interrupted only by occasional knocks on the bathroom stall that are met with a delayed and exasperated “I’M FINE…I’m fine, I just ate something that didn’t agree with me.”

– Throughout the course of the evening, John Ashcroft breaks the monotony of Globe distribution to sing each of the five nominees for Best Original Song From a Motion Picture. His rendition of “That’s How You Know” from the film Enchanted brings tears to more than a few eyes. Then he sings “Hard Sun” by Eddie Vedder, and when he’s informed that it’s actually a different song from Into the Wild that’s nominated, he gives the same long hard look and “…seriously?” reaction that everybody had when they saw that “Hard Sun” was not nominated but “Guaranteed” was for some weird goddamn reason.

– Snowball III and Scotty field questions from the Press.

– Questions pertaining to the requirements for membership in the “Hollywood Foreign Press” (hint – writing for a free periodical that even the third world country in which it’s distributed considers “low rung” gets you a membership card) are artfully dodged as if they’re pickpockets living in a world created by Charles Dickens (except somehow more drab).

– They defend the selection of Across the Universe as best Musical/Comedy, Bee Movie receiving a nomination of any sort, and actually nominating the laughably bad Showtime historical drama “The Tudors” for BEST DRAMATIC SERIES by saying that decisions have been made and that we must stay the course to ensure stability on Sunset Boulevard. The HFPA are, after all, The Deciders. And though people may not like the fact that Daniel Day-Lewis is snubbed despite a performance that is by all accounts mind-blowing, he serves at the Pleasure of the HFPA.

– The Golden Globes Awards Conference ends abruptly.

FIN

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST GOLDEN GLOBES EVER!*

* Note: none of this is going to happen. But still, an Awards Show that’s basically the American Music Awards of Visual Media and has in the past been outed as telling certain individuals that they’re guaranteed awards if they show up to the ceremony can only get better by removing all the cellulite.

More later…

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  1. January 9, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    which shockingly manage to nominate a song with credits that read “words and music by Clint Eastwood”

    I was surprised to learn that a song had been written by Eastwood and Carole Bayer Sager for “Grace is Gone” when there is already a Dave Matthews Band song by that name.

    • January 10, 2008 at 3:31 am

      I wonder if somebody approached Matthews and the asking price was too high, hence them not using it.

      It’s just that…you know, I’m a huge mark for Clint. And admittedly, I haven’t heard the song. But something tells me it’s not very likely that he wrote a song that was so goddamn good it’s deserving of an award.

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