With the “blogging” explosion over the past few years, perhaps no other day is as dreaded as Valentine’s Day when it comes to this chronic f-lister checker (that’s a new phrase I just created – I’m SUCH a trailblazer). Whether it’s bitter singles lamenting the holiday, overly-romantic attempts to wax poetic that come out as trite and cliche B.S., or the old standard “it’s just a Hallmark holiday” posts from people who are either too cheap to buy presents or don’t want to admit hating it because they’re single, there’s no shortage of obnoxious LJ posts (and posts on other “blog” sites) on this the holiest of Holidays (next to Christmas, Ramadan, Passover, and every other religious holiday).

So I figured, why don’t I save some of these people the trouble and write their posts for them? I mean, they’re painfully predictable, to the point where unless you’re really bored you’re not going to bother reading past the first sentence anyway since you know EXACTLY what’s coming next. It’ll not only save the poster’s the trouble of cluttering everyone’s friends’ list with the sort of predictable dreck you come to expect from them, but also save the rest of us time by providing a template to recognize and avoid such predictable and repetitive nonsense.

I present to you the most common of the Predictable V-Day Postings, along with the winners of each category. Do note that these are not uniform, but rather exaggerated satires of the blog postings (some obnoxious) that seem to occur with the most frequency.

Part 1 – The Happy Single
“oh man. i’ll tell ya, theres nothing better than to be single on this day. no presents to buy, no tip-toeing around the issue of what you should or shouldn’t get her, and no presents to buy. did i mention you save a ton of money? and have more exciting sex? yeah, fuck this holiday.”
Part 2 – The Bitter Single
“OMG this is the WORST fuckin holiday of the year!!! seriously, is there a worst holidy in existense? i absolutely loathe this holiday. im alone and all it seems to do is give my freinds who are in relationships to rub it in my face. if your looking for me, ill be at home with a tub of ice cream and an action flick. yeah, fuck this holiday. it has the same initials as veneral disease”
Part 3 – The Pretentious Bitter Single
“Ah yes, it’s that time of year again which the engaged squeel over and the singles loathe. Valentine’s Day. A day that was created by Christians and expanded upon by corporate forces, in order to preach the lie of the church endorsing love and to sell greeting goods respectively. Sigh. Another holiday created by the greeting card companies in order to prey on the gullible and weak-hearted. Myself, I’ll be sitting down with some Chaucer to learn what real romance is like.”
Analysis: The happy single is always way too happy to let you know how happy they are on Valentine’s Day, which for some reason they need to state numerous times in a single post – indicative of some sort of hidden insecurity. The bitter single, more often than not, has nobody to blame but himself or herself for being so miserable. S/he is quite possibly the worst of all V-Day LJ posters, because s/he has to view the unrelated actions of others as personal affronts to their own insecurities. The bitter single will be astonished to read a work of Chaucer’s and find the earliest known reference to a romantic link to the holiday, and will subsequently edit the post heavily or delete it entirely. Among this group, there are no winners, only losers.

Part 1 – The One Who Ended It
“It’s a tough day for me, but I’ll make it through. Finally discovering who I am after all this time is such a great sensation. There are times here and there where I regret the decision to end it, such as moments like this, but all in all it was one of the better decisions I’ve made. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good times had, but in the grand scheme of things I can’t say ‘I’m single on Valentine’s Day’ with any sadness.”
Part 2 – The One Upon Whom It Was Ended….or something
“It’s a tough day for me, probably one of the hardest days since [significant other] dumped me. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and though I’ve been through harder stages after the break-up, this certainly isn’t easy. Ah well. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be at [The Bitter Single]’s house eating ice cream and watching action flicks.”
Part 3 – The One Who Says He Ended It But We All Know Better
“thank GOD i dont have to spend any money on that cunt this year”
Analysis: The One Who Says He Ended It But We All Know Better is a constant source of amusement, but this holiday makes it oh so much funnier. The One Upon Whom It Was Ended is using the day as an excuse to vent about the failed relationship, which is just fine, because everyone needs to vent. The winner, however, is the One Who Ended It. The poster expresses security and confidence, though lord knows if that’s actually the case. The motivation behind posting at all about the day is questionable, and could be one of three things: 1. The poster isn’t really over the person they dumped but wants to give the impression s/he is. 2. The poster feels obligated to let his/her friends know that it’s okay that they’re not with the person they were dating on Valentine’s Day, because his/her friends are overdramatic douchebags who WILL take no post at all to mean “I’m miserable, please call me and beg me to come out with you and let yourself think you’re doing me this great service and being an awesome friend.” 3. They just need something to blog about. 7 times out of 10, it’s number 3. Seriously, it’s a scientific fact. Go google it if you don’t believe me.

Part 1 – The New Relationship
“*private post* I’m up against a wall. I can’t get her nothing, but don’t want to appear cheap. If I overspend, I’m going to look needy. What the fuck do I do? GAAAAHHHHH.”
Part 2 – The Semi-New Relationship
“*private post* We’re going to a nice bed and breakfast in New Hampshire. It’s a really lovely place, with the most beautiful chandeliers and deck you’ll ever see. [500 more words describing this place] It wasn’t too expensive, and just the right place for her and I to spend the day together.”
Part 2 – The Long-Term Relationship
“*public post* Happy Valentine’s Day, babe!”
Analysis: The New Relationship is in quite a quagmire, just starting a relationship before this holiday hits. The New Relationship must be careful not to over-analyze it into oblivion, since if that’s the case it’ll become indicative of future actions and they’ll be Bitter Single or Dumped Single next Valentine’s Day. The Semi-New Relationship has his/her heart in the right place, but for Christ’s sake, nobody cares. The Long-Term Relationship has learned from the mistakes of Semi-New Relationship and spares everyone the inconsequential details of what they’re doing for the holiday. And actually, it’s not really annoying. They know their shit and don’t need any advice. Thus, they are the winner.

“I grew up as a sweet, caring, rather naïve young boy who expected a world in which justice and compassion would reign supreme and a good life and wonderful relationships would just magically happen. As I got older, I realized this was a fantasy I used to defend myself against the harsh reality that I was living in a culture that was more like the lyrics of Shitty 90s Alternative Band: [quotes lyrics] I studied this culture endlessly and came to see through its bullshit and through the fake, damaged, materialistic people that inhabit it. Through it all, I still maintain the hope that fragments of the world I dreamed of as a boy still exist in the hearts of a few rare people who see through the dysfunction of this culture. I believe relationships are free-flowing and evolving, that they are based on growing and learning, that 85% of human societies were non-monogamous, and that while monogamy is a fine choice if it emerges naturally, it should not be forced or seen as the only healthy choice. If this view makes you all huffy, then take a hike. ”
Analysis: Okay, that last one wasn’t actually a Valentine’s Day post (or even an LJ post), but it IS the real stuff of legend from some nutso’s profile on a social networking site; a man who describes going onto cam naked as “intensely passionate” and develops severe hatred towards women he IMs randomly that say “no.” Crazy chatroom rapists! CRAAAAAZYYYYYYYYYYYYY

If you felt I missed any, DO reply with your own templates. You’ll be doing everyone a great public service.

More later…

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  1. February 14, 2007 at 2:47 am

    Aha, you forgot, from the currently dating:

    The Wonderer
    *Friends only because the significant other doesn’t have an LJ*”You know, I kinda wonder if he/she’s really the one. I mean, he/she’s so great and all. And I really enjoy all the time I’m spending with him/her, but I can’t help but feel that there’s something else out there that isn’t so stifling. Especially since asked me to be their Valentine the other day, and I’m considering it because I’m in my prime, and I just can’t be held down. Especially on a day all about new love. Oh, and check out this funny picture I found, guyz. :)”

  2. February 14, 2007 at 3:42 am

    I hope “The One Upon Whom It Was Ended” and “The Bitter Single” have hot Valentine make outs over their action movie.

  3. February 14, 2007 at 3:56 am

    Valentine’s day, and really, most any post about relationships are what the LJ-Cut was intended for. Rest assured, when I make my sappy V-day posting, it will be neatly tucked behind a cut so that those folks who have no interest in such things will be spared the diabetes-inducing dreck.

    And really, you forgot the subcategory of the bitter single…the depressed single. The one who uses the post to lament how he/she will never ever find anyone because no one will ever truly appreciate the special person he/she really is, and how this day just makes him/her want to eat a bullet because he/she knows he/she will die alone and surrounded by porn/cats.

  4. February 14, 2007 at 5:39 am

    Ok, you may have called Bitter Amanda’s blog reaction to the holiday. (dammit.) HOWEVER, she also posted a homemade valentine which you in no way anticipated. You should have a look!

  5. February 14, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    The Warren Ellis:

    Horny Werewolf Day

    Always remember: Valentine’s Day is a Christian corruption of a pagan festival involving werewolves, blood and fucking. So wish people a happy Horny Werewolf Day and see what happens.


    • February 14, 2007 at 9:04 pm

      Re: The Warren Ellis:

      I bet the furries are having a field day. And I bet that joke has already been made.

      Happy Horny Werewolf Day.

  6. February 15, 2007 at 2:59 am


    and do you know what I’m doing to celebrate? eating my sandwich from subway, doing some drinking and then using my vibrator on my roommate’s hideous futon.

    happy valentine’s day, mr. marshall. i still love you.

    • February 15, 2007 at 2:20 pm

      I know.

      And that reminds me – I forgot “The Whore.” 😉 WINK

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