Home > Uncategorized > My epitath will contain the words “At least he wasn’t a LARPer.”

My epitath will contain the words “At least he wasn’t a LARPer.”

It’s November, so that means Halloween is over. I didn’t really get into it this year, i.e. I didn’t even bother with a costume. I was surprised at work yesterday to see so few students in costume (those of you who know me well enough know that I work on a college campus). I saw a few painted faces here and there, but nobody that was in a full-blown costume. Well, with one exception.

During one of my cigarette breaks, I spotted a group of students at a picnic table eating lunch. All of them were in costume, and to give you a general idea of their regalia, the two that stood out the most were roleplaying characters of some sort. One of their classmates walked by and a girl in the group explained what they were supposed to be. I thought to myself “who are you kidding? Those aren’t for Halloween, it’s for the Tuesday LARPing campaign in Frear Park.”

Speaking of role-playing (how’s THIS for a segue?), I started e-fedding again. For those not familiar with it, it’s a thing some of the more pathetic wrestling dorks like myself partake in. It’s more or less online roleplaying for professional wrestling fans. You create a character, cut promos (RPs) on a message board, and that’s more or less what determines the outcome of each match. The RPs culminate in a card every week and pay-per-view show every month, which is written by the Commissioner with input from all of the e-fedders (if they decide to give it).

Yeah, I know it’s pathetic, but I don’t look down on some of you who I know for a fact do the same thing. But hey, at least mine would be passable in the real world due to the fact that pretending to be a character and cutting promos is part of what actual professional wrestlers do. So unlike Sixth-Level Mages, in a way there’s a real-life counterpart for my brand of online roleplaying. Yeah, so shut up.

I used to do it back in High School, but had to stop in 2000 once my personal schedule got too hectic. This fed’s a little more lax in that you really only have to make one post a week, which I can easily pull off. The character I’m using is “King” Kevin Marshall. Before you think I have too much of an ego, the only reason I used my own name for the character is because at the time I signed up for my first e-fed in 1996, I couldn’t think of anything better.

As I was saying, I haven’t e-fedded (that looks awkward because it is awkward) in six years. I decided to take the character I was using last and give him more of a backstory. See, the King character didn’t retire in 2000, he went to Japan. He’s wrestled in other areas of the world, but his primary focus and love is Japan. And I do mean love – the guy is OBSESSED with the fact that he wrestled in Japan. He simultaneously is and isn’t meant to be taken seriously, and though I know I’ll probably have to make a distinction somewhere down the road, it’s really fun to play with for now.

What follows is a question-and-answer thing done by another one of the e-fedders called the “Power Pro Spotlight.” He decided to feature King this week and sent me some questions, which I replied to in character. He’s going to take care of the formatting and posting, so this isn’t what the final product will look like, but it gives you a general idea of the character. Check it out.

GOING INTO THE INTERVIEW: Last week, “King” Kevin Marshall had his first North American match in six years, where he defeated “Hate Monger.” During the match, the cameras kept cutting back and forth between his match with HM and a parking lot brawl between two other wrestlers, Steven Messier and Tommy Valiant. King managed to get the win, but was attacked by an incensed and embarrassed Hate Monger after the match. This coming Friday, King faces off against Tommy Valiant.

Now that you’ve got the backstory, let’s

Tony Falk: You had a very impressive match against Hate Monger, but do you think it was over shadowed by the match that Tommy Valiant had with Messier at the same time?

“King” Kevin Marshall: “Of course it was. In all seriousness, I dare anyone who isn’t a complete and total mark to say otherwise. The rage I saw on the puro tape-trading internet forums was unbelievable, and I just want to say to all of those who might be reading this that I’m right there with you.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret – this fed is only going to survive on the quality of my matches, and that means I need to be the focus of this fed. Forget the rest of the scrubs in this fed. Wait until the quarter hour ratings come out, and they’ll say the same exact thing. My reputation doesn’t lie, the ratings won’t lie, AWE’s motivations for signing me don’t lie, and my paycheck certainly doesn’t lie. It’s amazing that in Japan I could be making more money despite being a gaijin, and yet I receive the same shoddy treatment that so many great Japanese wrestlers have received over the years when they came to the States. You wouldn’t see the Japanese cutting to Kenzo Suzuki fighting Gedo in a pachinko parlor during a Misawa/Kobashi match. It’s a waste of my time and their money.”

[Tony Falk opens his mouth to ask the next question but is cut off by Marshall.]

King: “Know what? On second thought, whatever. I’m going to go out there all Strong Style and do my thing. Let AWE drown itself in that sort of crap if it wants to. See if I care. I’ll still collect my paycheck, still win matches, and still do what I set out to do. If they want to be an also-ran in six months, that’s fine by me.”

Falk: “According to your own press releases, you have said that you have held several world titles. Can you name some of them?”

King: “The PWF World Title, the CCW World Heavyweight Title…God. It’s been such a long time and there’s been so many titles. Six years in Japan is like forty years in this country, so asking a question like that is like asking Ric Flair what he ate for breakfast the morning he wrestled Kevin Von Erich for the first time. I have to admit that my publicist fudged my resume a bit – none of the titles I won while in North America those many years ago can be considered WORLD titles per se because none of them were defended in Japan against – and this is important – JAPANESE TALENT. So really, your question’s moot because those titles and all titles in North America for that matter don’t mean squat. I was in Japan for six strenuous years and only lost ten matches. Nobody else in this fed could spend that amount of time in Japan and accumulate that many WINS. So really, the only World Title that matters to me isn’t a belt, but a title I earned through the respect of the Japanese fans, talent, and press. That title? KING OF JAPAN. If you don’t believe me, then hop on a plane to Tokyo and ask somebody on the street. They’ll tell you…that is, if you can educate yourself enough to get the basic gist of what they’re saying. If you still have trouble believing me, then get on the internet and find the video of the commercial I did with Mirko Cro Cop. It was for Nissin Cup Noodle, which is a HUGE endorsement over there. Let me put it this way – that’s like a professional wrestler getting an endorsement deal with Nike. ‘Nuff said. I’m HUGE where it counts. In Japan.”

Falk: “It seems that you have a double feud going on with both Hate Monger and Tommy Valiant, do you ever worry that those two could combine forces to take you down?”

King: “I don’t have a feud with either of those men, despite their psychotic delusions and post-match temper tantrums. There’s one man I’m concerned with, and one man only. He’s not here, and until he is, you’re not going to see any “feud” or “backstage confrontations.” The indy-flips you mentioned can cut their sports entertainment promos and engage in all the steel chair shenanigans they want – I ain’t biting. That’s not to say that I would never engage in a competitive feud in AWE, but unless someone shows up with the last name Maeda, Kawada, Misawa, or Kobashi – to name a few of the many whom the Japanese consider my peers in this business – then you won’t see me engaging in that sort of crap.”

[Marshall almost gets out a syllable but stops himself.]

King: “There’s a certain someone who’s in negotations with this fed that’s another story entirely. He’s the only other gaijin that I’m concerned with. But for now, guys like Mate Hunger and “Boogie Woogie Man” Jimmy Valiant should be shaking my hand and thanking me for chopping them in the chest rather than making futile attempts to get under my skin. By the way, I’ve said that to other people and they say I’m big footing the rest of the talent in AWE. Big footing – what does that mean, exactly? Is that like a Yakuza Kick? Sorry, I haven’t been paying attention to North American wrestling.”

Falk: “Valiant has said that he intends to make this match a “Valiant Rules” match. Meaning that anything is allowed. How do you feel about getting into that kind of Extreme Hardcore match?”

King: “I’m absolutely disgusted and offended by it on a number of levels. What is this, Frontier Martial-Arts Wrestling? Whatever. Check this out.”

[Marshall takes out a flip-phone, opens it up, and punches a couple keys. He forcibly places the phone in front of Tony Falk’s face.]

King: “See that entry in my contact list? Hayabusa. That’s right, Hayabusa. I plan on calling Das Bus – that’s what I call him – and asking what someone as talented as I am (and he was) has to do to get it done in a “Valiant Rules” match.

Speaking of which, who the Hell is running this company? Since when do wrestlers make their own rules? And why are they enforced? That type of thing would never go over with Antonio Inoki, and especially not with Motoko Baba, Giant Baba’s widow. She’s one tough broad. The shittiest of the inmates are running this pathetic excuse for an asylum. I really need to sit down and have a talk with Dean Hawthorne about this.”

Falk: “If Hate Monger demands a rematch, do you think you can pull off a second win?”

King: You’re joking, right? Of course I could. He can sneak-attack me all he wants, but it’s not going to put a dent in me. I’ve taking kicks to the face from KENTA, for Christ’s sake! Here’s a little SAT practice from the King – a kick to the face from KENTA is to that guy’s chairshots as a shotgun blast to the stomach is to an open-hand slap from a child. And if we do have another match where I embarrass him as thoroughly as I did last Friday, then I’m going to hit him not with a steel chair, but with a Tiger Driver ’85. Then he’ll know what REAL pain is.

Falk: “Thanks for taking part in Power Pro Spotlight!”

King: “Yeah, right back at ya. I just hope that you all have a better understanding of what I’m about so this fed doesn’t fold. [Sighs] Demo baka wa shinanakya naoranai.”

Falk: “I’m…wait, what does that mean?”

King: “You wouldn’t understand. It’s a Strong Style thing.”


If any of you are interested in checking it out for some God-forsaken reason, drop me a line and I’ll give you the URL.

More later…

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  1. November 2, 2006 at 1:05 am

    “8 Ball” Vic Garibaldi also wrestled extensively around the world after his American promotion of choice went bankrupt.

    Europe mostly. Could go hold for hold with anyone, even a strong-style (lowercase) elitist.

    How old is the character? I’ve fleshed out his family, his likes (whiskey) and dislikes (what whiskey did to his life), he has a birthday that he celebrated…

    …and his name predates the Harris brother who was also known as 8 Ball.

    You’d better show me that URL. Just to see if I still get that fix.

    • November 3, 2006 at 5:15 am

      I shot the URL over to you via PM on The W.

      I dare you. I mother fuckin’ DARE you.

  2. November 2, 2006 at 4:34 am

    I’ve done online RP on and off for years. Text RP does not creep me out.

    But LARP is just strange. Very, very strange.

    • November 3, 2006 at 5:17 am

      LARPing is to Roleplaying what scat is to fetishes. You know, there’s people that are really free and open about different things, but even the most hardcore of hardcore will sometimes say “yeah, there’s a line.”

  3. November 2, 2006 at 11:00 pm

    … I have not larped, but I have sat around drinking diet mountain dew and eating doritos doing table top rp.

    • November 3, 2006 at 5:17 am

      That’s not LARPing, so you can stay my friend.


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