Home > Uncategorized > Loser Profiles on MySpace

Loser Profiles on MySpace

If there’s one positive to MySpace, it’s the Loser Profiles. They’re pretty easy to spot – most of the time, you just go to a large public group, click on “view all members,” and their default picture will practically jump out at you and say “I have something contained in this profile that is so unintentionally hilarious that you will spit Diet Pepsi onto your monitor.” I won’t link directly to these profiles, as I don’t want any of you heckling them. Because let’s be honest, most of you don’t heckle too well. But here’s just a sampling of some of the hilarious, confusing, and outright frustrating things I’ve come across.

– A guy who, under “Books,” wrote “i dont know” (taken verbatim). This profile was a classic, and to even begin to describe the rest of it would make your brain explode due to the hilarity (that and it was so long ago I don’t remember much of it other than he only posted pictures of him wearing a suit even though he was only 17).

– People who say they listen to all kinds of music and then only list artists from a specific genre.

– People who put the MySpace music in their profile, another song in their profile using HTML, and a music video in their profile using HTML…then have them all automatically play simultaneously as if I’m a fucking Branch Dividian and they’re trying to get me out of my compound.

– People who put in friend requests for a major-label musician’s profile (maintained by the label itself) and subsequently post “THX FOR THE ADD” comments (in sparkly graphics) as if Trent Reznor himself reviews every single profile and says “this kid’s got moxy…accept his friend invite.”

– Any woman whose default picture is one of her ass in the camera with something like “HOTT” or “PRINCESS” written on it. – Listen, if we’re going to do this, let’s cut to the chase. Be honest with yourself and everyone else, and just have the word “CHLAMYDIA” glittered onto those short-shorts.

– People who post pictures of cars they do not own. I once considered posting pictures of various household appliances on my page with the caption “dis shit iz hot n will b mine,” but realized I’d be the only one in on the joke (not that it’s stopped me before).

– Wrestling fans in wrestling groups who post nothing but pictures of other wrestlers (and none of themselves). Even funnier – one specific profile, he had nothing but moving gifs of wrestlers performing DDTs and a cam-whore who friended him kept INSISTING he post real pictures and “enough of this wrestling crap, we wanna see what you really look like.” Trust me, honey, you probably don’t.

– People who go so over-the-top with those auto-format sites for profiles that you literally have to highlight text just to read it.

– People who list an interest as “poetry,” post their own poetry, and (unintentionally) spell at least three words wrong in each stanza. Alright, I’ll call bullshit on my own analysis, because most of them don’t actually know what a stanza is.

– Petite emo girls who frown in all their pictures and say how horrible they look so that the zit-covered kid with unkempt caucasian afros can give them fished compliments hoping to get out of the friend zone that he’s going to be perpetually stuck in. Actually, scratch that. Emo girls in general amuse me.

– People who talk about how much they love metal and list Staind as one of their favorite bands.

– People who quote Hollywood actresses in their profiles as if they’re Mahatma Ghandi. Listen, the only thing Hollywood actresses have in common with Ghandi is that at some point they all went thirty to forty days without ingesting any solids.

– Girls who list Marilyn Monroe under “Heroes.” A borderline-schizophrenic with addictions to various pills? Wow! Someone get Maya Angelou some Vicodin and ridiculously low self-respect; these girls need inspiration!

– People over the age of 28 who list High School as the best years of their lives. Actually, that’s not funny, it’s just fucking depressing.

– Assholes who post Johnny Cash as their default picture, even though they have no musical talent and never actually learned how to play guitar.

There’s more, but I think I’ll stop there. If you have any others to share, please do so.

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Categories: Uncategorized Tags: ,
  1. July 9, 2006 at 7:09 am

    Wait, you have more? I think I’m safe on this pass, though.

    OTOH, let me introduce you to some of my co-workers.

  2. July 9, 2006 at 2:33 pm

    “Girls who list Marilyn Monroe under ‘Heroes.'”

    I still have Kevin Marshall listed under heroes.

  3. July 9, 2006 at 2:39 pm

    I survived this list. However, I’m offended that you implied I don’t heckle well. I didn’t get my ljusername for nothin’ you know.

  4. July 9, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    You’re totally talking about my profile, aren’t you. >8[o]

    • July 9, 2006 at 7:08 pm

      Yes.

      (You have a profile?)

      • July 9, 2006 at 7:28 pm

        Of course! I’m an indie hipster chick from Seattle, yo. We all congregate on myspace. It’s linked from my livejournal, even. And it has Daleks as the background. I am THAT cool.

  5. July 9, 2006 at 10:55 pm

    you’re my favorite.

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