Home > Uncategorized > Marshall Watches RAW – 6/26/06

Marshall Watches RAW – 6/26/06

Jim Ross thinks this is going to be one of the biggest RAWs in history! Fat chance, I say, since Brian Pillman isn’t around to pull a gun on anyone. Scheduled for tonight is John Cena vs. Rob Van Dam for the WWE title, and the McMahons take on dX in a tag team match! Color me frustrated.

Mickie James (c) vs. Trish Stratus – WWE Women’s Title Match
Trish Stratus comes out…without a sling! Big surprise. Hard to believe she’s recovered over that nasty (legit) shoulder separation so quickly. Trish sells the shoulder and Mickie works on it – showing that they understand two basic fundamentals (selling and psychology) that is lost on about 85% of the guys that work for the company (and 95% of the guys that work for TNA). Match ends out of nowhere when Mickie hits a tornado DDT and pins Trish. That was…random. Jim Ross says he doesn’t want to make excuses, but makes one anyway (Trish’s shoulder is still hurting).
Winner – Mickie James.

– After the match, JOHNNY NITRO~!’s music plays. He and Melina come out to the awesome red carpet and paparazzi entrance. Melina gets on the mic. She notes that Johnny Nitro is the only RAW superstar holding one of its singles titles (since Rob Van Dam is officially with ECW). She also points out that Trish used to be the top diva, but now’s she just plain sad. Melina says she’s the top Diva. Trish goes after Melina, but Nitro grabs her from behind. Out comes Carlito to a HUGE pop, sends Nitro to the ropes and he slips out while he and Melina make a hasty retreat.

– Back from commercial, Trish approaches Carlito backstage and thanks him. Carlito reiterates that he did it because he’s pissed at Nitro, not to save Trish. He starts ranting, then slips into Spanish, and the crowd pops for some reason. Carlito then collects himself and says “no problem” (for Trish’s thanks). Trish then comments on Carlito’s “spit or swallow” t-shirt and whispers in his ear. He smiles as she walks away and says “THAT’S cool.” Eternal WWE Lesson #14: all women are filthy whores.

– Vince and Shane McMahon are backstage with The Spirit Squad. The Squad’s talking over each other about how much they hate dX. They ask for another chance, but Shane says that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

– Back from commercial, they show clips of fans predicting the outcome of Cena and RVD. Unfortunately, none of them say “well one is a white kid who grew up in a mansion and pretends he’s all hip-hop, and the other smokes a lot of pot…so it’s a draw because they’re both useless.”

Umaga (w/ ARMANDOOOOOOOO ALEJANDRRROOOOOO ESTRRRRRRRADA) vs. Kamala (w/ Kim Chee)
Before anyone asks, Kim Chee is Steve Lombardi (The Brooklyn Brawler) in a pith hat and mask. Even though Armando dragged Umaga away last night at Vengeance because Kamala’s “crazy,” Umaga absolutely destroyed him AND Kim Chee. For some reason, Kamala’s selling consisted of him convulsing after EVERYTHING Umaga did. By the way, Kamala has his own website. And HE SINGS OVER MIDI FILES. You think I’m joking? Go see, and listen, for yourself! Here’s Kamala’s song about Stanley “Tookie” Williams (mp3 file). “Nobody knows what happened in 1979 except Tookie and God…GAAAAHHHHHD).” I am NOT joking.
Winner – Umagaaaaaaaa.

– Ross and Lawler brings us to highlights of the Diva Search. God help us.

– Back from commercial, Torrie Wilson’s coming down to the ring. Todd Grisham’s there, and says she’s on the cover of some WWE magazine (I was totally tuning this useless segment out) and unveils it. Mild applause from the crowd and YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME DEN DEN DEN DEN DEN DEN DEN DA NA, DA NA, DA NA, DA NA, NA….ON THIS DAY, EDGE SEES CLEARLY and he’s with Lita. Edge tells Todd Grisham and Torrie to get out of the ring, calling Grisham “skidmark.” Not to be confused with the band Skid Row, from whom Edge stole the late 80s haircut he had for five years. Edge complains about losing his title match last night against RVD, saying he was robbed. And since he’s not getting a rematch, he’s leaving the show. He then leaves the ring through the crowd. The cameras follow him the entire route, where he passes the merchandising table. Edge yells at the guy selling merch about his t-shirts not being front and center, and before the guy can defend himself he demands the guy hand over all the t-shirts because the fans don’t deserve them. Then he actually WALKS OUT WITH ALL OF THE T-SHIRTS IN HIS ARMS. That made me chuckle. Good segment, if only because Edge is absolute gold in everything he does lately. This is obviously a set-up for a run-in later, but it worked.

– Back from commercial, Maria interviews John Cena. He says he gained the respect of Rob Van Dam, he’s not a crybaby like Edge, etcetera. He also says he’ll win tonight because he’s bigger, better, and stronger than ever. There must be performance enhancers out there that slip buy the WWE drug tests.

Val Venis & Viscera vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
Hey, there’s a tag team division?! Match is going on for all of a minute when Charlie Haas comes to ringside. He starts hitting on ring announcer Lillian Garcia (who Vis has been stalking for the better part of a year but he’s a face because WWE HATES WOMEN), much to her chagrin. Vis is tagged in, gets offense, and Charlie says “that was good Vis, but THIS is better” and forcibly kisses Lillian. Vis ends up blindsided by Cade & Murdoch and is subsequently pinned. Haas walks back up the ramp as Vis stares him down. This angle would be so much more interesting if Haas and Vis were feuding over the unrequited romantic interest of Tony Chimmel.
Winners – Cade & Murdoch.

– Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduce a cut version of Brooke Hogan’s new video. Brooke’s about five years too late with the whole “blonde chick with no personality” pop act. Randy Orton was backstage admiring the video. Afterwards he rubbed his chin, looked to the sky, and said “man, I’d love to hit on her and shit in her gymbag when she rejects my advances.” Okay, he didn’t really say that, but he would’ve thought it if she were a WWE Diva. Oh, by the way, Orton’s a legitimate asshole.

– Vince and Shane McMahon are gettin’ ready backstage.

– Back from commercial, Vince’s music plays and it’s HHH impersonating Vince McMahon. Oh boy, here we go. He gets the walk down perfectly, which was funny. He sort of gets the voice down. He says he’s going to ramble incoherently forever before the match, and for a second I forget he’s supposed to be impersonating Vince McMahon rather than making a joke about his own promos. He gets in an XFL shot that draws an “OHHHH SNAP” from people in the crowd who for some reason don’t know that WWE has already acknowledged numerous times that the league was a complete and total failure. He mentions the guy who brought in a rooster last week and told Vince that “he loves cocks.” He says he admires Dick Eberson, Dick Cheney, and Dick Clark…so he doesn’t love cocks, he loves dicks. He goes on for about two minutes about how much he loves dicks, some in the crowd are laughing, and at least one crowd shot shows a woman legitimately appalled. I feel her pain, only because I don’t find a lick of this funny in the least. I don’t know why WWE thinks that writers who failed at sitcoms can write amusing promos. Shawn Michaels comes out dressed up as Shane and did an impersonation of Shane dancing around. The entire joke was that Shane does that dance a lot. The crowd has not reacted as strongly to this segment as I thought they would…in fact, at times, they’re not reacting at all. He says he’s not leaving his money to Shane, but to Stephanie and “the guy that knocked her up.” It’s funny, because the E thinks they’re playing up to the smart crowd, but even the densest of marks know that HHH and Stephanie are actually married. HHH as Vince asks Shawn as Shane if he’s mildly retarded, and then says he wants to dance. The “Stand Back” video (available on YouTube) plays as HHH dances like Vince in the ring. Now THAT was funny. Vince comes out to interrupt though with Shane, and says he’s going to whoop them and he brought some observers (The Spirit Squad). Before he does, he notices an outhouse and asks what it’s for. Then crap (supposedly) drops from the sky, drenching the McMahons and the Spirit Squad. Yet another segment that fans seem to like, bores the Hell out of me, and makes me embarrassed to be a wrestling fan.

– Back from commercial, they replay the poop shower and show stills from the Flair/Foley match last night. They then go to Flair at his home in Charlotte, North Carolina. “You’re a glorified stuntman who takes the easy way out. It’s easier like I’ve said a thousand times to fall off a cage, jump off a ladder, than learn the fundamentals of the greatest sport in the world, professional wrestling.” He lost me there. If someone were to offer me the choice of being thrown off and through the top of a cage by the Undertaker or to learn the fundamentals of wrestling, I’d definitely start learning the fundamentals. But maybe that’s just me.

– Rob Van Dam is shadowboxing backstage. Heyman goes up to him and notes that this is on WWE turf and not ECW turf, putting Rob at a disadvantage. Rob tells Paul he has to prove to Cena that he can beat him, and tries to re-assure Heyman.

Kane vs. Randy Orton
Orton sells the smell from the poo on the way to the ring, which was better selling than he’s done his entire career. Kane mostly dominates the offense until The Imposter Kane comes out. Imposter Kane jumps up on the ring apron, but Kane knocks him off. Orton uses the distraction to hit an RKO (or as I call it the SEAC – Sloppily Executed Ace Crusher) for the pin.
Winner – Randy Orton

– Afterwards, Kane beats Imposter Kane like an Georgia housewife. Chokeslams him two or three times in the ring, drags him up the ramp, chokeslams him there, goes to leave, and instead decides to drag the unconcious Imposter Kane backstage. Perfect example of the “whoops our bad” policy of WWE – roughly twenty-four hours after having Imposter Kane go over cleanly last night, the next night he becomes Kane’s bitch. I won’t complain this time, because it’s one of those really stupid storylines that they really DO need to drop and forget ever happened. I was fully expecting Kane to unmask him to reveal Gene Snitsky, while the REAL Imposter Kane attacked from behind. Shows what I know.

– Back from commercial, and Kane unmasks Imposter Kane backstage and throws him out of the building. All we saw was that he was bald. By the way, Imposter Kane is this guy.

– Another segment about the Diva Search. I felt frustrated that there were two in this show alone, then sunk into depression when I realized both were only thirty seconds long and we have about eight weeks of ten to fifteen minute segments to look forward to. Remind me why I still watch wrestling again? Oh, right. I’m a masochist.

– Back from commercial, we see another vignette from Rory and Robbie McCallister, The Highlanders. This time, they’re confused by a urinal. Robbie inquires how they go number two, and Rory tells them that Americans are always on the go, so they just squat down on it. Robbie does, and remarks how uncomfortable it is. This is a totally goofy and stupid gimmick, but the two guys in this gimmick are absolutely hilarious and totally make it work (even with lame “comedic” material provided to them).

Rob Van Dam (c) vs. John Cena – WWE Title
– In a nice touch, Lillian Garcia doesn’t introduce either man until they’re already in the ring. Jim Ross thanks us for welcoming them into our home, and says “this is your reward…the main event.” Another nice touch! The match is actually pretty good for a TV main event. Cena seems very sloppy when slamming Van Dam…which I don’t understand, since RVD isn’t exactly the biggest guy Cena’s faced. Match goes over ten minutes…Cena has the STFU locked in (a move which usually sucks to begin with and is made even worse when Cena applies it) but RVD won’t tap. Here comes Edge. He attacks Cena, DQ.
Winner – John Cena.

– Edge then spears RVD and says “I’ll see you tomorrow night!” I’ve hated the whole WWECW thing so far, but I also love Edge, so it’s a mixed bag. They might as well just put him on the show and stop with the whole RAW vs. ECW thing, but that’s wishful thinking. And that’s all she wrote!

So the advertised McMahons vs. dX match was instead that segment of HHH and Shawn impersonating the McMahons that ended in shit falling from the sky. All in all, pretty CRAPPY RAW. HAR. HAR HAR HAR.

More later…

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  1. June 28, 2006 at 3:18 am

    I went to the Raw house show last week. The Highlanders kick so much ass. They’re like a mix of the Bushwhackers and the Headshrinkers in the ring.

    And Davey Boy Smith’s son, Harry, fought Rob Conway… and you can tell he was from the Hart clan… he’s so much better than a vast majority of the people currently on the main event roster. Like Cena, for example.

    • June 28, 2006 at 4:55 am

      I hope Smith is as good as everyone has been saying he is, and I hope the E runs with him.

      I’d be more psyched for the Highlanders if there was, you know, any interest whatsoever in establishing a tag team division.

  2. June 28, 2006 at 8:46 pm

    Being as I haven’t been anle to watch Wrestiling in soooo long it is nice to read what i missed.

    yeah I’m a fan from way back….started watching when Jake the Snake Roberts, Rick Rude, and that guy with the American flag colored arm bands (I wanna say Ultimate Warrior) were all just starting…Good times

    ~Me

    • June 30, 2006 at 6:14 am

      I don’t think Warrior ever wore American-flag colored armbands…thinking of Lex Luger when he was in the WWF, maybe? Well, for you, an update on the ones you mentioned:

      Rick Rude – passed away suddenly in 1999 due to heart complications.
      Jake Roberts – has wrestled numerous personal demons and drug problems in recent years, including but not limited to crack-cocaine.
      Ultimate Warrior – legally changed his name to Warrior, became an ultra-right conservative and until recently was doing speaking engagements at colleges and universities (using such gems as “queering doesn’t make the world work”).

      Wrestling sure ain’t what it used to be.

      • July 3, 2006 at 11:40 am

        all i ahve to say to that is HOLY SHIT!!!

        thanx for the update,
        ~Tiphy

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