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Cool/not cool meme

In response to this entry by thebigfatman. It may look familiar, because it’s floating around MySpace as a bulletin. Anyways, I pointed out that none of those things were ever cool. Then, on second thought, I realized that there were a couple things that might’ve been cool at some point. So, I’m going to clarify and justify. Because I’m THAT BORED.

Techno music – Hey, remember when it had that huge explosion in the United States? No, because it never happened. Oh, people WANTED it to happen SO BADLY. But Europe and North America are separated not only by a lil’ ocean called The Atlantic, but also musical preferences.
Verdict – Never cool (in the United States).

Emo – Ahhh, emo music, the ska of the 2000s. Emo music came about when bands attempted to imitate Fugazi and Sunny Day Real Estate with laughable results. Then the genre branched out to include screaming white kids who can’t get over ex-girlfriends from High School and tremendously overrated singer/songwriters, and both groups accomplished the amazing feat of being overly pretentious while not being the least bit interesting. It took on a life of its own when self-professed indie kids, who were listening to indie music to say they listened to indie music, started going on and on about how emo was the next wave of greatness in rock. I need not tell you that this never happened, and won’t. But hey, at least Chris Carabba can pay for groceries.
Verdict – Never cool, no matter what that kid who listens to indie for the sake of saying he listens to indie will tell you.

Tapered Jeans – These haven’t been cool for a long, long time.
Verdict: D.O.A.

Flooding everyone’s f-lists with memes, polls, and surveys.* – OHHHHH, THE IRONY. Once in awhile is okay, but there are people (particularly on Myspace) who go WAY overboard with it.

wristbands: Huh?
Verdict: Huh?

saying “That’s so 15 minutes ago.” – Anybody who ever said this was a poser and therefore not cool.
Verdict: Guilty. Of not ever being cool.

MTV – Nostalgia does this funny thing sometimes. You see, it fools us into thinking that something actually had quality and integrity at a certain point, and has lost that over time. However, if you really sit back and analyze the situation, ad nauseum videos by Madonna and Duran Duran were every bit as bad as what’s showing on the network now (and I kind of LIKE Duran Duran). Sure, back then they showed actual music videos, but they weren’t very good. For more, please listen to The Dead Kennedys’ “MTV Get Off the Air.”
Verdict: Guilty with a very minor exception for the years between 1991 and 1994.

The memoir as literary artform. – This was indeed cool until it was bastardized and rendered cliche. Once “I’m working on my memoirs” started appearing in shows, cartoons, etcetera as a joke or pun, that’s when it was killed.
Verdict: Once cool, but no longer. Fits criteria.

‘Leet’. – Cool among some hackers and message board posters, I guess.
Verdict: Not cool, because it was cool among some hackers and message board posters.

scrunchies – No girl older than 10 should be wearing these.
Verdict: Still cool if you haven’t hit puberty yet.

sideways hats – Good Lord. Definitely not cool anymore, and there are definitely people who still do this.
Verdict: It is not 1989, and you are not Doug E. Fresh. And put on a shirt, for Christ’s sake.

eating disorders – Always a sickness. Never cool. Just tolerated a little too much in entertainment and fashion.
Verdict: Let ’em starve.

Reality Television – Still cool as long as the name of the reality program is “Deadliest Catch.”
Verdict: Dying a slow death.

The Pussycat Dolls – HUH? Nobody ever took them seriously! It’s a freaking Vegas show! FUN FACT: organized by the sister of that douchebag from the Bravo reality series “Blow Out.”
Verdict: Never cool, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Smoking – Oh, it was always unpopular with non-smokers. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make 12-year-old kids look cool (it really does make them look cooler even if it’s not hard to make a 12-year-old look cooler).

extreme makeover home edition – Target audience = 40-year-old housewives. Audience never cool = product never cool.
Verdict: Never cool.

emo hair – Also known as “damn, I wish I was around when goth was cool and The Cure was actually a good band.”
Verdict: Yeah, definitely not cool.

getting wasted – Not cool if you’re older than 28. Still cool if you’re older than 28 and your name is Colin Farrel or Russell Crowe.
Verdict: Questionable.

Brad/Angelina – The most unpopular couple among People readers since their inception? Nope.
Verdict: Never cool.

Ironic mustaches. – A friend of mine once went to dinner at a chain restaurant with friends from home, and they all wore fake moustaches. One doofy girl at another table giggled and said “why don’t you shave off your moustache?” My friend replied with “why don’t you shave off YOURS?” Now THAT’S cool.
Verdict: Cool if you’re wearing a fake one and have an interaction like that.

SUV’s – People are still buying them. BUT, not cool anymore.
Verdict: Gas-guzzling death traps. But hey, they were cool if you didn’t see gas prices rising at some point (translation: cool if you were a moron).

My kid beat up your honor student bumper stickers – Again, one of those things that’s popular with a certain segment of the population that is definitely not cool. That segment? People who have airbrushed paintings of Dale Earnhardt, Sr. against a clouded sky background with his race car whizzing by in the lower right-hand corner. That’s not cool, and these aren’t cool.
Verdict: Dale’s own reckless and dangerous driving lead to his death.

dragonball z – It was cool before DVD, and people saw anime and said “oh, so a fight DOESN’T have to last thirty-seven episodes and the characters DON’T have to self-narrate through dialogue with another character?”
Verdict: Still cool if you’re 12 and have downs syndrome.

Celebrity name mashing (“Bennifer”) – This was always obnoxious, and only seriously done by overweight men who made a career out of being overweight and masturbating to pictures of celebrity for their little gossip column.
Verdict: Not cool for a single moment.

Survivor/The Apprentice/Etc… – You mean reality shows?
Verdict: Whoever posted this is not cool, because they obviously didn’t even bother READING the other selections.

Synthetic fibers. – Er…
Verdict: People don’t still think polyester is cool. Don’t kid yourself.

nano pets – The Pokemon for people who are empty inside.
Verdict: Once cool, now so uncool I’m shocked when I hear they still exist.

faces like this ^_~ – I knew someone in High School who used those smilies. It drove me up a GODDAMN WALL.
Verdict: Stop. Nothing involving the internet will ever be cool.

neoconservativism – Yeah, man! Remember when all the hip, young, sexy, and cool kids were all like “yeah dude, neoconservatism rocks! Reagan was the best President ever!” Oh, you don’t remember that? Right. Probably because it never happened.
Verdict: Not the worst submission on this list, but up there.

Sliced bread – It’s “the BEST thing since sliced bread,” not “the COOLEST thing since sliced bread.”
Verdict: “Best” and “cool,” while not mutually exclusive, are also not the same thing.

Quoting “Old School” – Seriously. Enough already. The movie was kinda funny. Get over it.
Verdict: Anyone still quoting this movie should be sent to prison for crimes against funny. See also: Imitating Little John’s “YEAAAAHHHHHHHHH.”

Reality Shows. – See “Survivor/The Apprentice/Etc…”

big sunglasses – They were only cool to and on one person: Charles Nelson Reilly. Also seen on middle-aged Long Islanders, who are so not cool they could heat an eskimo village for six years just by visiting one.
Verdict: Never cool, with an exception for CNR and CNR only.

Verdict: I’m going to play this card and increase my mana by 12.

Katie Holmes. – Totally jumped the shark with Tom, but I think people realize that. Her career was ruined by his craziness, so it really doesn’t comply with something you “wish people would realize.”
Verdict: I know these things. I know the history of psychology.

….. – I’m with Andrea on this. I have no idea what this means.

MySpace – THANK you! I wish I ran that site, because I would just delete profiles for my own pleasure. Is your default picture a car, especially one you don’t own? Deleted, because you’re not going to say or write anything interesting, ever. Got a picture of yourself taking a picture of yourself in a mirror? Deleted, and I also just bought out your ISP and shut off service to your house. I could go on and on, but long story short, I’d have a LOT of fun.
Verdict: Totally agreed.

The things I do when the work flow is almost non-existent…

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  1. May 18, 2006 at 5:03 pm

    Wristbands either refer to the jelly bracelets with sex codes, or, when everyone decided instead of actually donating to charity and getting a cool coloured bracelet, they’d buy one at hot topic and pretend they’d donated to charity.

    Or it’s something I know nothing about.

    • May 18, 2006 at 5:05 pm

      See, that’s what I was curious about, because while I thought of those I also thought of the 80s wristbands and the ones people used to wear while working out. So…yeah? Which is it meant to be? The world will never know.

    • May 19, 2006 at 3:39 am

      You mean those brightly colored soft plastic bands people are wearing with something printed on them? I thought maybe they were various disease and trauma survivor trinkets or something. You know, yellow means you have had chemotherapy, hot pink means you were anally raped, blue means you lost a person in 9/11, blue with lavender polka dots means you were bullied as a child, all lavender means you’re still being bullied… I make up stories about them when I see them on somebody who comes to my cash register.

  2. May 18, 2006 at 6:00 pm

    It was a MySpace bulletin?

    You need to come over and drink beer with me, and we will play Chez Geek with big sunglasses on and eat sliced bread while a mix CD of Techno and Emo (interspersed with audioclips of various memoirs) play in the background.

    And we will take a picture of it to post on Myspace.

    • May 18, 2006 at 6:10 pm

      Yesh it was!

      And that sounds like a terrific idea. We should actually create a new MySpace profile specifically for that, and put a Nickelback song and 50 Cent video ON THE SAME PAGE THAT PLAY AT THE SAME TIME.

  3. May 18, 2006 at 6:07 pm

    MySpace was never, EVER cool. When a website’s default layout is uglier than first gen. GeoCities pages, there’s something wrong. Spinning skull gifs are cooler than MySpace.

    And yes, I’m working on that letter meme. M is one major pain in the ass, though.

    • May 18, 2006 at 6:10 pm

      The layout’s bad enough, the coding is even worse. Lazy, LAZY coding.

      Haha, sorry about that. I figured that’d be an alright one! Better than N, anyway.

      • May 18, 2006 at 9:34 pm

        I got N, nnnnnaaaaaah!!!

  4. May 18, 2006 at 9:41 pm

    Flooding everyone’s f-lists with memes, polls, and surveys.* – OHHHHH, THE IRONY. Once in awhile is okay, but there are people (particularly on Myspace) who go WAY overboard with it.

    I like when people on my flist send me Memes with the tag “YOUR PARENT IS GOING TO DIE!”

    Clearly, it wasn’t the cancer. My family was cursed by an ignored Myspace meme.

  5. May 18, 2006 at 10:16 pm

    >>>Quoting “Old School” – Seriously. Enough already. The movie was kinda funny. Get over it.
    Verdict: Anyone still quoting this movie should be sent to prison for crimes against funny. See also: Imitating Little John’s “YEAAAAHHHHHHHHH.”

    Today at the Stadium the Rangers fans a few rows behind me were quoting…

    Worse than “Old School”, More played out than Lil Jon, able to make you nostalgic for an auston powers impression….

    Andrew “Dice” Clay

    I was amazed.

    • May 18, 2006 at 11:34 pm

      The fact that you’re not in jail for murder right now makes you a better man than I am, Gungadin.

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