Home > Uncategorized > From Ebert’s review of “Poseidon”

From Ebert’s review of “Poseidon”

“Poseidon” follows, as it must, the formula for a Disaster Movie, which involves (1) a container holding a lot of characters; (2) cameos to establish them in broad, simplistic strokes; (3) a catastrophe; (4) the struggle of the survivors, and (5) the loss of at least one character we hate and one character we like, and the survival of the others, while thousands of extras die unmourned. It might be interesting to add (6) deadly snakes on the loose, but they’ve all been signed up for the forthcoming “Snakes on a Plane.”

This is why I love Roger Ebert.

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  1. May 12, 2006 at 3:31 pm

    Plus “Day After Tomorrow” already used wolves on a boat, so they’d just be stealing the “scary animals on a boat” concept.

    • May 12, 2006 at 3:37 pm

      WHAT?! You’ve got to be kidding me! I knew there was a reason I avoided that movie.

      Actually, if they did “Wolves On a Boat” as a spin-off, that would be SWEET. Starring Michael Rappaport. Just imagine him looking around confused and saying “what tha fuck’s with all these wolves here” and tell me that wouldn’t be a great film.

      Then they could also reveal that “Snakes on a Plane” exists within the same continuity. And the reason so many snakes were on the plane? Global warming, of course. It got too warm, so the snakes weren’t so much set loose on the plane as they jumped on to stay cool. Then it can all culminate in the final installment of the Animals Do The Darndest Things During Ecological Disasters Quadrilogy: “Howler Monkeys on a Train,” starring Christopher Walken as the awkward hero battling Howler Monkeys and Sandra Bullock as one of the monkeys.

  2. May 12, 2006 at 3:49 pm

    He makes my world go Happyspin!

    Also, re: enplaned snakes:

    YOU HAVE TO SEE BOA VS. PYTHON!
    – Gratuitous: Wrestling scene. Snake on a plane. Giant badCGIsnakes. SNAKESEX!!!(implied) Flamethrowers. Nakedpeopleinblacklightbodypaintatarave.

    I need to find out what, if anything, Ebert had to say about this Sci-Fi Spectacular.

    • May 12, 2006 at 4:54 pm

      I WILL NOT SEE THAT! Nor, as much as I find the concept hilarious, will I see snakes on a plane. I have a paralyzing snake phobia. And yes, I’m serious.

      • May 12, 2006 at 5:41 pm

        But dude – they don’t look like snakes. They look like glossy cartoons of snakes.

        Although there is a real anaconda at one point – but even that is humorous, because a girl tosses it on a bed (in a plane!) and it squeaks. Squeaks, I tell you!

  3. May 12, 2006 at 4:01 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who can’t wait to see Snakes on a Plane.

    • May 12, 2006 at 4:54 pm

      Far from it. I wouldn’t be surprised if that damn movie ended up being #1 for three weeks in a row.

    • May 12, 2006 at 6:32 pm

      I have previously stated my desire to quit my job and just sit in the theatre watching SoaP over and over again.

  4. May 13, 2006 at 3:03 am

    You missed 7) Remake of an older movie.

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