Home > Uncategorized > RAW Thoughts for 4/17/06

RAW Thoughts for 4/17/06

MLB Monday returns next week. It’s only April…I can’t give awful analysis of the season’s progress every week. Geez!

RAW THOUGHTS

– Vince’s opening rant about God was shat all over by the crowd at first. Crowd chanted “BORING” at Vince. Vince: “I assure you this isn’t boring.” Also, HHH is the greatest wrestler since Ric Flair! You like guys with bodies who use full nelsons as finishers and can’t do transitions in a match if you held a gun to his head! Savage Samoan gimmicks are still in! YOU WANT ANOTHER DIVA SEARCH! And yes, word broke late last week that there will indeed be a third Diva match. I’d rather watch Erik Watts dropkick Viscera twenty-five times a week.

– After Vince booked HHH in the handicap match, H totally should’ve started crying and screamed “DADDY NOOOOO!”

– Big Show vs. Kane at Backlash. The only way this could get any better is if Test and Mark Jindrak made their triumphant return to do a run-in at the PPV, then a banner drops from the ceiling that says “NOBODY CARES” while confetti fills the arena.

– I liked the J.R./Chavo sitdown interview, though felt like they could’ve done more with it (such as hint more at Chavo’s emotionally instability and/or had him snap at J.R. at one point and walk out). I really hope that they don’t use Eddy to get Chavo heel heat for the next year, but that’s asking too much of a company that had Randy Orton attempt to murder the Undertaker with Eddy’s lowrider (after Big Show spit on it) one week after the poor guy died.

– CHARLIE HAAS! It’s about damn time. Haas was…okay. Good way to debut him, and wow, the crowd was actually chanting “Charlie” at one point. Haas with a beard looks like the guy on the box of “Just For Men” facial hair coloring.

– Armando Alejandro Estrada and Shelton Benjamin both convert to “McMahonism” in order to get what they want (a match between Umaga/Michaels and a chance for a MitB shot respectively). Shelton’s on his knees, and the segment ends with Vince saying something along the lines of “I like it when people are on their knees in front of me” as Shelton gets a look on his face like someone just told him his mother was shot at point blank range. Are we supposed to assume that Shelton then blew Vince? Welp, there goes any inner peace I’d hoped to achieve at some point in my life.

– Jamal (now Umaga) has actually improved since his days as one-half of “3 Minute Warning.” Yes, I realize that’s like saying poop doesn’t smell bad when you spray it with cans of lysol for six days consecutively. Oh, and Vince can’t hit Shawn Michaels with a chair because GOD WON’T ALLOW IT. Interestingly, the pyro “God” summons is identical to Kane’s. So, Kane = God. I guess this means that if Snitsky hadn’t caused Lita to miscarry, then the baby would’ve been Jesus. Except it would’ve been born with gonorrhea, and it would’ve turned out that the real father would’ve most likely worked for EMLL. And we wouldn’t find out until he failed to perform a miracle (making fans and most other wrestlers in North America not hate Konnan).

– Carlito goes full-blown face by admitting that he’s borderline illiterate and hates school. Well, they ARE in Missouri. Masters, not surprisingly, comes out with his bald spot and goes all Billy Jack Haynes on Mr. Cool. By the way, it took them a month to decide that Masters couldn’t be the face in this feud because people weren’t going to cheer a moron that they’re never going to like. I think Creative also still thinks that Santa Claus is real, and is trying to sign him before TNA snatches him up for a hot program (jobbing to Jeff Jarrett in a ladder match).

– Apparently Shawn Michaels can dispatch of all five members of the Spirit Squad in a handicap match, but Rob Van Dam (who is challenging for the title in June) loses to them in a complete squash. Even though he created marijuana, God hates potheads. Apparently God only helps wrestlers that are sanctomonious bastards using religion as an excuse to continue carrying around an air of superiority.

– Is Dice Domino from OVW the dude that played Trish’s (kinda) ex-boyfriend Jack? It’s drivin’ me nuts.

– A promo for “See No Evil” was shown again tonight, with the director saying that people who like Kane will also like his “Jacob Goodknight” character in this movie. You know, kinda like how Mr. Nannymania ran wild all over the United States. Alright, that’s not fair. The only way Kane’s movie can be worse than any of Hogan’s movies is if it was two hours of him picking his nose and watching a DVD compilation of his work in Memphis (Volume 1: The Very Best of the Christmas Tree Monster). Actually, it’d still be better…and probably awesome, too.

– Announcers: “The handicap match is next!” Me: “Nah. *CLICK*”

More later…

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